Questions and Decisions

This might be short and lacking in sustenance, but bear with me. I feel as though God is leading me on a new journey. Perhaps it's more of a revisit of a journey I've already been on, but at a different level. What do I believe? I can make a long post out of that. I know of a lot of truths I believe. That's not my quest. More specifically, at this moment, I feel like God is asking me to reexamine where I stand on theological issues. I don't intend to find concrete answers because I know, as previously sought after, they don't exist. However, I need to reconsider what about those theological issues is important to God.

I know a portion of this is to include prayer for wisdom and guidance and time reading through the Bible. Part of this will also include looking at books written by C.S. Lewis and Rob Bell. Yes, I'm jumping on the bandwagon to see why Bell's book, among so many others, has come to the forefront of controversy.

So I'm starting with C.S. Lewis' book, The Great Divorce. It's fictional but in the preface Lewis states his intentions were to share some morals with his readers and additionally, I think, give a glimpse of what he believed. I know that I'll be reading things written by imperfect humans so I will approach them with caution and ask God to share his heart on the matter.

It's going to be a long slow process. I certainly can't commit to a blog every week about it and maybe not even every month but it'll be peppered throughout. I appreciate other's respectful, lovingly-put, thoughts on matters.

So here is where I begin: From The Great Divorce, by C.S Lewis

"We are not living in a world where all roads are radii of a circle and where all, if followed long enough, will therefore draw gradually nearer and finally meet at the centre: rather in a world where every road, after a few miles, forks into two, and each of those into two again, and at each fork you must make a decision. Even on the biological level life is not like a river but like a tree. It does not move towards unity but away from it and the creatures grow further apart as they increase in perfection. Good, as it ripens, becomes continually more different not only from evil but from other good."

Baby #2 - Allowing God In

In my previous post I had mentioned the doubt I was starting to experience. This doubt was being directed at God and all the usual questions came out:
"Why is this happening to us?"
"Will we even be able to have another biological child?"
"What did we do to deserve this?"
"Why can an irresponsible teenager or drug addict get pregnant immediately, but we can't?"

I was so mad at myself for these questions because I know God is a sovereign God and he takes care of us so I didn't want to question his love or desires for us. I felt like I was throwing my trust in him out the window. These questions might be natural but I don't believe it's the response God wants from us.

I worked hard every day to keep my mind focused on the promises God has given us. I knew he was in control and his plan was far greater than what I could have planned. I can say I had some good days but there were also some bad days. For the most part each month I continued to have hope we would get pregnant that month. Once my period started I became angry and sad (perhaps partly due to hormones). Then I'd hope again and then I'd get angry again. It was wearing. I was tired of hoping and then having it crushed. As each month went by of course, things became harder for me emotionally. Overall I think I did ok, but I won't lie, I had gotten to a point where I figured we were not going to be able to get pregnant.

What's the big deal? It takes most couples a year to get pregnant. I think what made it hard for me was how easy things went with Hadley, I knew things worked then. What happened in the last two years? I had a positive test in May, so we had gotten close but again, nothing. I'm only 29. It just wasn't making sense. I know there are an array of possibilities and so I thought I may need to change my expectations.

I did feel like come August and September God had given me peace. There were still little moments of anger or sadness but overall I had just become tired of worrying and being on the roller coaster I had given up control.

Or at least I thought. After talking with my Dr. and getting the prescription for Clomid we really struggled with going through any infertility treatment because in a sense it felt like we were taking the control out of God's hands. Please let me honestly say I do not judge others for using infertility treatments. Just like adoption, I think it has to be a personal decision. I know people say if you had cancer you'd get treatment so what's the difference with infertility treatment? One saves lives and one creates life, but apart from that I can't really explain why it would be different for us. I also think it was harder for us to be ok with infertility treatments because we already had one child and we took time to pray about how we felt God wanted our family to look. If we hadn't had ANY children perhaps things would have been different.

We had been asked about adoption. At the time we were not ready to consider it. It didn't seem like an option for us but I think there are several reasons for that. One, we weren't positive we couldn't have another kid and since we only wanted two children we didn't think continuing to try and also looking in to adoption was the right direction. Second, if we had been told no more biological children I can say we would have gone to God and sought his will in terms of adoption. I think then, and only then we could have been appropriately ready to adopt a child in to our family. Of course we had concerns of the whole process, I think most people do, that's why we'd want to be in prayer about how to handle those.

Throughout this experience I have certainly gained a whole new perspective for those who experience infertility. As I read and researched things I began to understand EVERY SINGLE SITUATION IS DIFFERENT. I could not find one similar to ours (not that we experienced true infertility) and it seemed like every story had something different. I realized the emotions and how hard it is to deal with others when you're going through it. Even though there were people who didn't know we were trying their comments about "when are you having another kid?" was still hard to hear. I may or may not have wanted to scream at them, "WE'RE TRYING!" I know they meant no harm and so I had to check my attitude about it. It was also hard to hear from those who knew, "Don't worry it'll happen." Because I know for so many people it doesn't happen. Again, I know they were trying to be encouraging so I had to put aside my attitude. I urge those who have not struggled when it comes to having kids, please be sensitive even when innocently asking if a couple will have another child.

I will say I praise God for the opportunity to have experienced that. Not only to understand what others go through but also to have time with God. I'm glad I went through it all with Jon too, he was an amazing support and partner in it all.

Baby #2 - The timeline

So the news is out.....we're welcoming another little baby into our family in early June. June 9th is the due date but Hadley was two and a half weeks early so perhaps this one will be too. We're excited! Jon and I have always wanted to have two kids and feel blessed God has fulfilled those dreams for us.

So the journey for kid #2 wasn't as simple as things were with Hadley. I actually feel guilty and slightly embarrassed to talk about it, at least how I handled it, but I know it will come up and so I'll just put it down in words for those interested.

We decided to start trying January of this year, which was earlier than planned. After 3 months passed of no luck (it only took 2 months with Hadley) a tiny voice started to speak doubts into my subconscious. I'm convinced every woman trying to conceive has this but it just shows up at different times. I decided I'd at least start tracking the length of my cycle, which has always been irregular and longer than the normal 28 days. May rolled around and we were busy with Hadley's birthday party and Mother's day so I was distracted. On Hadley's birthday I ended up with a bad case of the stomach flu. This also happened to be the earliest week we could take a pregnancy test. I decided I'd take a test on a Wednesday (I had been feeling much better from the flu) and it came back with a positive. I tried to be excited but something inside me said this wasn't quite right, that maybe the test was wrong. I decided to call the Dr. and setup my first appointment the next day. Friday rolled around and the spotting started. I had spotting with Hadley early on so I didn't want to freak out about it, but it did take me by surprise. I waited to call the Dr. because I wanted to see if it was spotting or if it was really going to turn in to more.

Later that afternoon it was starting to turn in to more and I was getting more anxious. I called the Dr.'s office about a half hour before they closed. They had wanted to get me in to the lab for a blood test but I wouldn't be able to before it was closed. The nurse told me to take another test the next morning and then call again on Monday to report back (she also told me what to do in case the situation turned bad). I took another test Saturday morning and it was negative and my cycle ran it's course.  I was upset. Honestly, I can't say it was because I was mourning the baby and I don't say that without realizing the sensitivity of the statement. I knew from the beginning something wasn't right. I was upset that yet another month went by without success. My Dr. thought maybe it was just a false positive but the signs were there that I was pregnant. She also said there was a possibility that the fertilized egg never implanted which is extremely common. Many women don't know that because they don't test early enough to realize it.

The next month was full of hot flashes and a screwed up cycle. Just another confirmation that I was  pregnant.  Since things were out of whack in June we again had no luck. By July I was at the point of giving in to doing more tracking and using an ovulation predictor kit. July and August I started tracking my temperature. I really just wanted to have information to hand to my Dr. in case we decided to go visit her. The temperature method just did not work for me or perhaps it was telling of what was going on. My temperature was all over the place from day to day so it was ineffective in helping me figure out ovulation.

I broke down and bought an ovulation kit in August. That was a huge pain, but I wanted to do what we could. Jon and I decided by August it was time to just go in and have a discussion with my Dr. If something was wrong we might as well have time to figure out if we wanted to fix it or just let nature take it's course. The Dr. couldn't get me in until early September so that allowed me to go through one more cycle. Nothing.

I went to my Dr.'s appointment and handed her all the info I had charted and kept track of. After she looked over everything she came to the decision that I wasn't ovulating efficiently. Most likely I was ovulating too late in my cycle. She gave me a prescription for Clomid, reassuring me I would not become the "octa-mom". I wouldn't be able to start until October.

Jon and I discussed if we wanted to go through with taking the clomid or if it was taking the control out of God's hands. We decided we'd try it out and take it month by month if nothing happened in the first round.

Well, Praise God, we didn't have to take it (even though I had already bought it). We got pregnant that month and the clomid is still sitting on my dresser untouched. That's the timeline of how we got here. There was so much more involved though. Namely, God. That deserves a post in itself. Where was God in this whole situation and how we did or did not allow him to work in our lives will be in a later post!

Something To Belong To

I'm always annoyed to hear about more protests on the news. Then begins the slew of angry, argumentative conversations and pictures on Facebook. Jon and I saw the beginnings of the Wall St. protest and really half of the people there had no idea what was going on, that was obvious.

I'm not the most informed person when it comes to politics, I'll admit that. What becomes frustrating is people's entitlement and need to complain without action. Protests are a form of action but if you're upset about how banks handle things, take your money out, keep your money in a jar buried in your backyard. When did people start continually supporting mediocrity or anything less? Words mean nothing, action means everything. By the way, where do all those protesters get their poster boards, markers, and blue tarps for sleeping in a park to protest with?

There's me on my soapbox. To my point....

After my initial reactions of frustration I start to sadly realize people are dying to belong to a cause. On the surface we can say we're protesting greed, which might be true, but in reality we want to belong to something that makes a difference. We don't like how things are going and we want to help make a change for the better so we jump on the first bandwagon idea.

I know God created us to have a longing for him and when we refuse to be in a relationship with him we search to belong to something. It starts with easy things like groups at school or work, then it moves into larger scale gatherings such as the political protests, but no real action or change happens because I believe people are focused on the wrong things. They are chasing after futile outcomes. Now I know it can be argued the civil rights movement has had a lasting effect and to a point I agree. Things are still very imperfect among races but what if instead of spending time on protests we spent time seeking after God? Seeking to love each other as God loves us? Would there be any need for protests against how people are treated? If instead of spending hours on a street corner protesting greed we all took a look at how we are spending the resources God has entrusted us with and start using those to serve each other.

The world is imperfect and even if we spent our time seeking after God there would still be problems. That's just life as it is. I really do believe more change, more transformation can take place if we spent our time radically living a life Jesus has called us to live and less time protesting the evil things in this world.

*Side note: I'm not looking to argue with people on specific topics of protests. I am willing to read respectful comments and/or disagreements on the idea of wanting to belong to something.

New York City, continued

Tuesday we were up bright and early, just because we're early risers. Our first stop on the list was Central park so we decided to head in that direction and look for a place to eat breakfast. We couldn't find one right away so we walked through Central Park for a bit, saw Bow Bridge, which is apparently the most romantic bridge around, then headed back in to the city for breakfast. After walking around the area for a good 20 minutes without much luck we just decided to head to our next stop which was Battery Park. We'd look for food over there.

A view from Central Park

As soon as we emerged from the subway we saw a cafe on the corner called George's. We ate breakfast there which was just your typical egg, toast, hashbrown, and bacon kind of place. It was good enough since we were starving by this point. We walked over to Battery Park and found a good viewing spot for the Statue of Liberty. I was really bummed we couldn't go see it (we didn't have the time and I think it's closed for a while) but at least I saw it in the distance. It's quite large.

Statue of Liberty from Battery Park

After Battery Park we went to Wall St. When we got there we were a little confused because there were so many streets fenced off and it wasn't obvious where any of the famous landmarks were. We walked around for a bit and finally found the New York Stock Exchange building which was pretty. We also found the Trump Building (we have some funny pictures to show once we do a little photoshop) and a building with a George Washington Statue outside. There were a lot of people walking around in their business suits with places to go, stocks to buy and sell. Here the buildings were really close together it was crazy. We also saw the start of the Wall St. Protest. The funny thing was all those sleeping in the park nearby had bright blue tarps, all looked brand new and Jon and I joked they probably picked them up at Wal-Mart or some other large corporate store.

New York Stock Exchange

We had planned to eat lunch at a hot dog stand on the sidewalk but it was a little early for lunch and we were so tired of walking we wanted to find a place to sit down. We decided we'd wait for lunch and head over to the 9/11 memorial early. You have to reserve your tickets ahead of time or if you're lucky buy some just prior to entering. We had a 45 minute wait before we could get in the memorial so we found a place to sit and waited it out.

The 9/11 memorial was perhaps my favorite place we visited. After waiting in line we were directed through security (which was exactly like airport security but without complaining...it was kind of weird.) There was a lot of construction still going on where the towers were so after walking through a line of fences we walked into the open area of the memorial. It was very simple. We walked first over to the South Pool. These pools were so enormous and breathtaking. The noise of the water falling seemed to drown out most other noises. There were flowers and flags placed at specific names. There were a few tears as I thought of all the people who rushed in to the danger, all the family members who left behind small children and spouses, and ultimately the names followed by, "and her unborn child." A couple asked Jon to take their picture in front of one of the pools and we talked later about how it was a little weird to be smiling in a picture in a place where such death and destruction had taken place.  There was a small museum in a gift shop as you exited the memorial. The real museum has not yet been finished.

The South Pool

The North Pool

Freedom Tower

From the memorial we headed to China Town and Little Italy for lunch before the leaving the Big Apple. As soon as we got off the subway there was Chinese writing on every single building. It really felt like we were in a different country. Then we simply turned left on to one street and all of a sudden it was Little Italy. We looked up a restaurant on Urban Spoon and had a delicious plate of Chicken Parm. We then hit up a quaint Italian Bakery on our way out and had some DELICIOUS dessert. Jon got a slice of Tiramisu and I got a chocolate mousse dessert. Yum! I could have stayed there and had a few more desserts.

Little Italy

China Town

We headed back to Penn Station, or so we thought. We caught the wrong subway and went in the opposite direction but we had plenty of time to find the right one and head back. We got to Penn Station in time to catch an early train so we paid a little extra and headed back to Albany early.

We got back to the house at about 8:30. Ate some pizza and went to bed. We left for home the next morning.

Jon and I enjoyed our time in New York. It was kind of like a novelty seeing all the famous places. There are so many in one spot. Everything is so expensive though and there are so many people I really couldn't imagine living there of my own free will. We also talked about not really wanting to go back. For what? I told Jon the only reason I'd like to go back is to actually visit the Statue of Liberty, see the wall of names at Ellis Island because I have family members listed there, and perhaps go to a Broadway show. I'm glad we got to visit.

New York City

Monday morning Jon and I headed to back to Albany to catch a train to the city. We had a rental car and were going to return it at the airport and then catch a cab to the train station.....until we realized it would cost us $40 to do that. So Jon's dad kindly let us take his truck to park at the train station so we could then drive ourselves back to their house after our trip to the City. We left Hadley at the house, much to her chagrin. She kept saying, "I wanna go!" like she was being left out. It was kind of sad.

We made it on the right train!

I drove the truck and Jon drove the rental car in front of me with the GPS system. Well we were in Albany, on toll roads which are totally foreign to me, when the GPS decided to take forever to update. As soon as it did Jon saw we needed to be exiting right that second. So in the little rental car he zipped over to the exit and I kept driving on since the truck can't really just zip over two lanes to an exit. Thus I became lost in Albany with about an hour and half to get to the train. After several frustrating attempts to get myself to the airport I was starting to give up and to stop and ask for directions. I didn't have any cash on my for toll roads and so I was nervous about getting on the highway only to find out I had to pay. Finally I saw a sign for the highway and decided I'd just get on and see where it took me. Luckily, it took me to the airport without having to pay any tolls. I picked up Jon and we made it to the train station with time to spare.

It was our first time on a commuter train and we had no idea what we were doing.  They wait until 10 minutes before the train departs to announce which gate to go to. We were nervous we would miss it but we made it. The seats had so much space it made airplanes look like miniature toys. The train followed the Hudson river south to New York city and we got to see a lot of the country. We even saw a Bald Eagle with a fish in its talons about 20 yards from the train, it was pretty cool. Two and a half hours later we arrived in Penn Station.

From Penn Station we started our adventure. We stopped at Eataly for lunch because we were STARVING. We had no idea what the place was like so when we sat down at the first table we could find it happened to be a menu of only seafood and vegetarian plates. Ummm what? We then figured out this place was a farmer's market with several little restaurants in it. We got up from the table and headed over to the Pizza and Panini's restaurant which had a 30 minute wait. Go figure. We were going to walk around while we waited and discovered a fancy restaurant that had immediate seating so we just went with that. Probably not the best decision either as we couldn't really decipher the menu and I ended up ordering raw beef. It didn't taste bad, it was sliced thin like prosciutto, but not filling at all and not what I wanted. Jon traded with me and we ended up mostly sharing his dish which was some sort of Gnocchi. It was good but not great.

From Eataly we went to the Subway and purchased our Metro Card and headed over to 5th Ave to FAO Schwarz. The subway took some getting used to. We quickly learned to check we were going in the right direction before swiping our metro card. The weather was cold and dark but not raining yet. As we headed in to FAO Schwarz we saw two guys not trying to hide they were dressed and acting like women. Only in New York. We enjoyed walking around looking at all the toys, giant candy, lego statues, and of course the big piano. We decided to get Hadley a souvenir from there and ended up buying her a sequin covered coin purse in the shape of an M&M (her favorite candy) and an FAO Schwarz shirt.

Our first subway ride

Playing on the big piano

We headed from there down to Rockefeller Plaza, seeing all the famous 5th Ave shops on the way. Once in Rockefeller Plaza we visited the Lego Store and took a lot of pictures of the area. We then walked to our hotel to check in. On the way we saw a store strictly devoted to M&M's right down the street from our hotel. We stopped in but saw nothing of worth to buy.

Rockefeller Plaza

Making my own mini-lego man

We checked in to the Belvedere Hotel near Times Square and rested for about an hour before heading back out. On our way to dinner it started to rain so we had to stop for an umbrella. We had quite the ride and walk to dinner down in Brooklyn but the dinner at Grimaldi's Pizza was FANTASTIC! It was a small hole in the wall that didn't accept checks or credit cards and made their own mozzarella cheese. It rained the whole time we ate dinner and then stopped as we were about to walk to the Brooklyn Bridge.

Delicious Pizza

The Brooklyn Bridge was a great place to be at night with all the lights of the city. Part of the bridge was under construction so it obscured our view somewhat but still nice. Jon took a lot of great pictures and got the chance to yell back at a cyclist who called him stupid. A great New York experience. We decided it was time to head to Times Square and on the way we stopped at Grand Central Station.

Brooklyn Bridge

There wasn't anything exciting at Grand Central Station, it was just a big, beautiful building to look at.

Grand Central Station

We hit up Times Square with all it's flashing lights. Nothing real special. We bought a few souvenirs and headed back to our hotel. We were beat! Our feet hurt and our legs were tired.

Day 2 in another post.....

New York Farm Country

My father-in-law bought a house in upstate New York this past year as a summer house since they are selling their house in Tucson. So we decided to go visit. It was mine and Hadley's first time to New York (I'm not sure if that's proper English) we were excited to see new country. We flew out of Tucson and stopped in Atlanta and then on to Albany. Hadley had her own seat and since we needed to bring her car seat anyway we used it on the plane. She's much more cooperative if she's in her car seat. Both flights went great!

We had an hour and fifteen minute drive after landing in Albany so we rented a car and drove out in the dark. We were bummed to not be able to see much on our drive but we saw it all later on the trip. When we arrived at the house we ate a quick dinner and went to bed. With the 3 hour difference we had a slight issue adjusting but Hadley was so worn out from traveling she fell right to sleep and slept fine the rest of the trip.

Thursday morning was cool and it had rained most of the night. We headed in to Cooperstown, about a 10 minute drive, and saw the town. The country-side was absolutely beautiful! I originally thought it would just be closed in with all trees, but because it is a farming area there were a lot of open pastures around. Of course it was all very green and the trees were starting to turn colors. Some were yellow and others were already red. After stopping at Ace Hardware to get Hadley some rain boots so her feet would stay dry we headed off to a small area called Fly Creek.

Our first morning on a walk

Pretty fall colors

Fall morning, countryside covered in fog

Hadley sporting her new rain boots

Here they had an Apple Cider Mill that was more of a gift shop and small amusement park. They had ducks, geese, and chickens you could feed. Hadley cared only about that. There was a country gift store with a lot of apple-based foods that were made at the mill or from surrounding areas. The best part was they had little sampler dishes out for you try stuff and it was all pretty good. Except we did see one guy double-dipping...tsk tsk.

From there we decided to go have lunch at a restaurant that sat right on the shore of a nearby lake. The service wasn't great but the food was good and the scenery even better.

Naps, rain, and walking around the property filled up the rest of the day.

Friday morning proved to be another, fall, cold rainy day but when it wasn't raining we tried to make the most of it. We headed to a nearby you-pick farm that had lots of apples, raspberries, and a "pumpkin patch." They actually called it a pumpkin hunt. Apparently they cut the pumpkins and then just randomly place them in an old wheat field. You trudge through the swampy mud and tall grass to find your pumpkin. Not as exciting as Apple Annies where you get to cut your own pumpkin but it was still neat. We drove around town again for a little bit, made a few quick necessity stops and then went a little further out to a family run restaurant for lunch and homemade ice cream. The lunch was average but the ice cream was delicious!

Hadley with the Hay Man at the you-pick farm

Hadley found her pumpkin

A view down the row of apple trees at the farm

After our naps we walked out to a few apple trees on the in-laws property. Did I mention apple trees are everywhere out there? They also had some blueberry bushes, gooseberry, and a few other fruit bushes randomly around the property. We picked apples while Hadley ate the apples. We're not really sure what kind they are but a few trees may be Granny Smith.

Hadley enjoying her apple at Grammie and Grampy's apple orchard

Jon showing our bounty. These went in to some fresh baked apple pies! Yum!

Saturday morning Jon's sister and her boyfriend drove in from Pittsburgh for the weekend. We decided to head out for lunch at a nearby local brewery called Ommegang (Om-uh-gang). Of course it was cold and rainy so when we showed up we notice a lot of people heading to a white tent for some sort of special event. Come to find out it was the brewery's 14th birthday and they were having waffles, music, and a puppet show. We all headed out to the tent to participate but realized it was too cold for a toddler and her grandparents to hang out so the three of them left, leaving Jon, his sister, her boyfriend and I to fend for ourselves. We decided to hang out, they all had beers (I was the DD), and we listened to some live folk music. After we'd had enough of being out in the rain and cold we decided to take the brief brewery tour. Let me tell you it was brief. They only took us in two rooms, the rooms where they make the beer and the room where they bottle the beer. The brew room was very basic, nothing too fancy, just all huge pieces of equipment but the bottling room was very high tech. It ended with a chaotic tasting as our group was quite large. Needless to say we ended our tasting early, got some souvenirs and left. It rained most of the day but when it wasn't we tried to get outside for a few minutes. We ended the night at a local Italian restaurant with good food but the service, again, wasn't great. It took a long time for us to get our food and Hadley was about done waiting.

The entrance to the brewery

Sunday was a day at home. Jon's aunt lives about an hour away from where we were so she came over for a late afternoon lunch. It was kind of like a Thanksgiving dinner but with pulled pork! All the food was delicious and we all just wanted to sleep afterward.

I swear the moment the calendar struck October 1 all houses were beautifully decorated with fall decorations. Pumpkins, corn stalks, beatuiful dark red and gold mums. It was very different from what you see here in the desert.

Monday and Tuesday Jon and I went to New York City by ourselves. All that in another post.

Pick your Poison

I was asked the other night what my favorite book is. I knew it was coming because others around me had been asked just moments before but I was rushing to pull out a good title. I've been asked that before and have yet to come up with a satisfying answer to it. In a stupid way this bothers me.

Most who know me know I love to read. I have loved it for as long as I can remember, despite my brief hiatus in college. I'd lay for hours in my room as a child, lost in the details and descriptions of a fictitious story. Although, I think I have only re-read about 2 books in my whole life. I don't like to re-read, perhaps because to read over the same story I might find different details or might be caught in a different time of life that will negatively affect my opinion of the story. It's better to not disturb those positive thoughts.

What bothers me most about this question as of late is my journey in writing. I decided I would just take a step of faith and enroll in the Christian Writer's Guild program and work to become a published author of some sort. Why? Because I like to read stories and enjoy the thought of telling a story for someone else to enjoy. I'm not great at verbal communication so writing works out well for me, it's slow and I have time to think through my thoughts and find the right words.

As a novice author I feel the need to nail down my favorite book. I can't bring myself to commit though. The truth is I like A LOT of books. All for different reasons. To compare one book to another is definitely comparing apples to orangutans. It'd be easier for me to narrow it down to specific genres and I can pick specific books within genres but to say one title holds my vote over all others is impossible for me.

Historical fiction is definitely my favorite genre of writing. I will read many other types of books but I always find myself subconsciously drawn to historical fiction stories.

So back to the question, "What is my favorite book?" because I couldn't come up with an answer I was then asked to narrow it down to 3, this I could do. So in no particular order I said, The Help, Where the Red Fern Grows, and........I couldn't do it. I just couldn't choose. There are way too many books I like.

What is your favorite book? Can you choose or do you have anxiety about committing to just one like me?

Trusting in Mere Humans

I read though Isaiah 2 this morning and at the end of the chapter I read this: 


"Stop trusting in mere humans, 
   who have but a breath in their nostrils.
   Why hold them in esteem?"

It's harsh but I like it. It's a good reminder we need to stop looking to humans to fulfill ALL of our needs. Please take note of the word 'all' because certainly there are times when humans can and do fulfill some of our needs. 

I am constantly reminded humans will disappoint, I will disappoint. I know I have and will continue to disappoint those close to me, those I come in contact with, I will disappoint myself, and dare I say, God. Sure, God already knows everything I'm about to do and knows who I am...blah blah blah. This doesn't mean He's not disappointed in my choices. This seems to be the very reason He asked Jesus to be the sacrifice. 

I see people church hopping because they put too much stock in sinful leaders to change their own walk with God. Men and women of all ages jump from one relationship to the other because they thought another human could perfectly fill each and every void in their life. Others use all their time and resources to promote a presidential candidate only to be severely disappointed the elected did not fulfill their promises. 

Idolizing people is dangerous, although easy. While God speaks through broken humans, He comforts others through selfish men and women, God challenges us to be better people by using those who aren't really better themselves we cannot forget everyone will let us down eventually and God will not. 

Only God can fulfill EACH AND EVERY ONE of His promises. Only God can speak a message so earth-shattering your life can change forever. Only God can be perfectly faithful in every way to the ones He loves. 

Psalm 36:5
Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.

Global Leadership Summit Day 2 part 2

During the first part of the morning (on the first day actually) Hybels shared a change in schedule. CEO of Starbucks, Howard Schultz, was supposed to speak on the second day. I think he was supposed to speak about Vision and how Starbucks has done well to stick to their vision. Well apparently a group of homosexuals found out Schultz was going to be speaking at a church (they thought Willow Creek Church was anti-gay, my, how they are misinformed) and so they started a protest on Facebook asking people to boycott Starbucks. After meeting with the Summit leadership, including Bill Hybels, Schultz was released of his contract to speak and didn't show. Hybels and his team immediately pursued those who started to the boycott so they could sit down and discuss Willow Creek's ACTUAL view on homosexuality. I'll let the reader make their own opinion about Schultz but having watched how Bill Hybels handled the situation was encouraging. Here is a video clip of the situation.

After Rhee shared we went to lunch and came back to Dr. Henry Cloud, a clinical psychologist, speaking on The Evil, The Foolish, The Wise. Essentially saying, "you cannot deal with every person the same." Seems easy right?

*The wise person is someone who changes when faced with changed. They make sure they are the match for the situation, are good with feedback, stay challenged.

*The fools try to change the truth, instead of changing themselves to go along with it. They will generally shoot the messenger, minimize and externalize the situation. They are usually angry people who take no ownership.

*The evil person is bent on destruction. They want to inflict pain and will usually involve lawyers, guns, and money in trying to "solve" any situation. These people, Cloud said, need to be removed because they will attempt to destroy any vision or step of progress that is trying to be made and they WILL bring others down with them.

*I liked one of his opening statements: "God has called you to be a steward over a vision. To change something. Are you going to allow difficult people to prevent you from carrying it out?"

*When looking for people to be your support in your vision you should ask yourself, "What does a person do when the truth or reality comes to them?" Are they wise, foolish, or evil?

Again, "Don't let someone's character problem stop you from carrying out the mission God has called you to. Which reminds me of Paul and Barnabas splitting up. Not that they weren't both effective, but they knew their visions were different at a certain point of what God wanted them to do and they had the maturity to split. Unfortunately, I know not all people will handle things as maturely.

John Dickson, senior minister at St. Andrews Anglican Church in Sydney spoke on Humility. It was an interesting topic with a different twist. Dickson is a senior research fellow in the Department of Ancient History at a local university so his study on humility went far back into the ancient civilizations. One cool note and story he shared was of being in a band in his early years and getting to meet Bono. Him and a friend snuck in to the hotel where U2 was staying and were able to meet the band. It was a great story. Here are a few points on his talk of Humility.

*Humility does NOT mean Humiliation or Low Self-esteem.

*It IS to hold power in the service of others.

1. Humility is common sense. None of us is an expert at everything (although we try to be...or I try to be sometimes). Expertise in one area counts for very little in another.

2. Humility is beautiful. We are more attracted tot hose are who humble. Mark 10:43, Philippians 2:3-8

3. Humility is generative. it's a place of learning and growth.

4. Humility is persuasive. Ethos - Character, is central to persuasion

5. Humility is inspiring. It makes people think they can be just like the "great" (This is where his story of meeting Bono came. Bono had enough humility to meet with Dickson and his friend when he didn't have to, so Dickson had a sense like he could become great like Bono)

Since Schultz couldn't make it, his stand-in was Patrick Lencioni. President and found of The Table Group, which does consulting for businesses. He spoke on vulnerability which I felt tied in nicely with Humility. He had a lot of great stories about meeting with CEO's and other leaders of companies who were unwilling to be vulnerable and the impact it had on their employees.

*Vulnerability means you're open to attack.

*There are usually 3 fears of being vulnerable:
1. Fear of losing the business or fear of rejection -- Enter the danger, speak the kind truth (we won't always be successful)

2. Fear of being embarrassed -- Ask questions, are you looking out for their (employees) best interest? Celebrate our mistakes. He shared a short story about a woman farting in a large group meeting and trying to ignore it. If she would have acknowledged it everyone would have had a good laugh and moved on, but as she ignored it, it grew more awkward. It was a funny story.

3. Fear of feeling inferior -- Show people you are willing to do what you ask them to do. You won't always be rewarded. Honor your clients work.

*Being vulnerable breeds trust, loyalty, and commitment.


Last, but certainly not least, Erwin McManus. Erwin has written many books and is the pastor of Mosaic church in California, among other things. A lot of his books could be considered "post-modern," if you believe that term to exist. He has a new way of thinking about things that is often right along with the newer generations. His topic was "Chasing Daylight" or seize the day!

*One of the greatest challenges as a Christian is to change how we do relationships.

*Looking at Ecclesiastes 1, "There is nothing new under the sun..." this phrase is killing the church. People are not looking for things to do better.

*Why do we wait for someone else to create the future? (sound similar to another speaker's topics?) Become cultivators of human talent (Acts 7)

*There is no ordinary person born but most of us all painfully, tragically die ordinary.

*What is spiritual leadership if we do not set the human spirit free?

*The church needs to reclaim it's place as the epicenter of creativity

*It's not that hard to bring people to Jesus by telling stories.


And there it is. My final summary of the leadership speakers. While I know this is dragged out for those reading, it's been nice to go through my notes a few weeks afterward and review some golden nuggets I took away. Each person, though not all Christian, seemed to have a pretty God-centered message. Yes, there were times where the content was more business related but still those principles can be implemented in other areas.

If you've never gone to a Leadership Summit before, you NEED to go next year. Yes, I said NEED TO.


It's already scheduled, August 9 & 10 2012. 

Dear Anonymous

You didn't even say anything to me. I read your "constructive" comment on another blog and frankly...grow a pair. If you want to be condescending, all-knowing, and freely giving of your opinion at least identify yourself so we can give you the credit you so viciously crave.

You represent so many who hide behind the computer screen and anonymously do what you don't have the courage to do face-to-face. So many people think they know better and are lacking tact in presenting it to others. Enter the world wide web. A place for those with a confidence deficiency to speak their mind. Sure, there are more opportunities to talk to people online that we'd not otherwise come into contact with. This does not give permission to anyone to be cruel.

Furthermore, should there be anyone reading this who has given "constructive" comments or strong opinions on various social media websites or blogs using their name, make sure you can repeat that in person to the person you are responding to. In other words, if you wouldn't say that in person, don't cowardly use the computer to be a jerk.

Yours truly,
Anonymous

Leadership Summit Day 2

You probably thought I forgot. I really just needed to take a breath. And now a week later I will finish my blogs on the Summit.

Day two started off with Bill Hybels introducing the next topic and it's speakers. They were talking about 'Tough Callings'. Which made me nervous, because I knew I'd be challenged. Tough Callings mean sacrifice and sometimes...most of the time, I just don't want to sacrifice much.

There was supposed to be 2 speakers, Rev. Sundar from North India and Mama Maggie Gobran from Egypt. Unfortunately, Sundar was denied some legal document for his travel (it might have been his passport) at the last minute so he was not there. Hybels took up some of Sundar's allotted time sharing about different things in scripture in regards to Tough Callings. He focused on James 1 and Jeremiah 20 in particular.

Then Mama Maggie Gobran came up to speak. She shared about her tough calling. Raised in middle-class family in Egypt, Gobran was able to attain an education all the way through college. She eventually became a college professor of Computer Science at the American University in Cairo. Her aunt was working with the poor of Cairo (and when I say poor, it was the slums. Families living in the city landfills) feeding them and clothing them. After her aunts passing, Gobran decided she needed to take over her aunt's work. She founded Stephen's Children ministry which takes care of the families who live in the landfills. They work to make sure they are clothed, fed, educated, and loved. She was an amazingly humble woman who sacrificed a lot to serve these families. This woman has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and yet she will earn so much more in heaven for the work she has done. The question I was mulling around in my head after hearing her and Hybels speak was: Do you have the courage to listen to God's calling?

Next up was Michelle Rhee, Founder of Studentsfirst.org. She is well known for her previous role as Chancellor of D.C. public schools in Washington DC. She was hired to reform the school district and in one year she closed about 23 schools and fired over 1,000 district employees. Can you say unpopular? She presented in an interview format, where someone was asking her questions about her career. Some of the things she went through, experienced, and accomplished were nothing short of amazing. However, just like Jeremiah, she was hated for what she was doing, by most DC citizens anyway. I enjoyed listening to what she had to say and during our lunch break Jon and I talked about my experiences with teaching (limited though they are) and how Rhee ran her school district. I can tell you one thing...TUSD and perhaps other surrounding school districts would be a lot better off if they got rid of the school board (I know why they're in place but they are often prohibiting any positive change) and teacher's unions and had someone evaluate staff on the performance of their students. What I mean by performance of their students is that their students are moving forward, showing progress in their learning. If students start their school year behind in their reading there should be some progress by the end of the year. If not, it doesn't really matter if the teacher's performance evaluation goes well and their students are not showing progress. Interesting. Praise God for people who have motivation and drive such as Rhee. She seemed ruthless but no one else was willing to make those hard decisions. The DC school district has vastly improved since her leadership there.

More to come later.....

Reflection on Summit Day 1

Did I mention the Summit started off with Willow Creek's music team singing Awake My Soul by Mumford and Sons? Awesome. The singing in between certain speakers and breaks was a little cheesy, but the speakers are what I went to hear.

Jon and I went to the Summit because we felt God had us in different situations where we could learn and use expertise from other leaders. Little did we know the impact it would have on us.

I had never heard Bill Hybels speak nor had never read any of his books but he was great to listen to. He started out with an introduction and went in to being challenged. Sometimes I think I'm not challenged enough because I stay at home. I'm not saying taking care of a kid is not challenging. It is. I'm saying growing as an adult, a servant of Christ, growing in my maturity as a person, in my behavior and thoughts is what I was looking for. Maybe some of you can argue this can happen at home, and I won't dismiss that at all. You don't learn the same things from your child as you would from a pastor or leader. It was a good reminder for me to continue growing as a person outside of being a mother to be a good example to our kids. I also fall in to the category of not forcing myself to be challenged. It's easy to slink away from challenges by just staying at home.

I was excited to hear Len Schlesinger talk about taking action. I get weary listening to others, and sometimes myself, about how they're going to do something, but they never follow through. Or perhaps they complain about something but aren't willing to take steps to make changes. We have the gift of being able to take action. How often do we as a society say "we'll believe it when we see it"? We don't believe things until we see the actions someone has taken to make it true. Why are Christians in particular so apathetic to taking action? Why do we sit and worry and fret about how things will happen in the future? We do have control over some of it. God wants us to take action in most situations, so where are we? If our God is for us then who could ever stop us? If our God is with us, then what could stand against us? Why are we so scared? Take action, even if it's baby steps.  I liked when Schlesinger said if you can't predict the future, then act and create it! Finally, he said to bring other people with you. I can think of a myriad of reasons why we should be creating a future with others. We should be acting together to be a support, to be a well-spring of ideas, to provide strength, accountability to one another. I'm ready to take action and I pray for each person I know, that if God provides opportunities to act you will trust him and take a step. "If all you do is think, you are less interesting as a person!" Get off your duffs and do something!

Listening to Cory Booker, mayor of Newark, New Jersey was more inspiring than full of wisdom. Sure he had some great ideas and tidbits of wisdom he passed along. What was most interesting to me was the mountains of crime, poverty, and overall bad attitudes he faced going in to his position. All of which he has chiseled to mole hills. I'm sure he doesn't feel this way but his actions and results speak of it. His story left me feeling like ordinary people can make a huge difference. He is making a huge difference and I pray God continues to drive him in a direction to love the people of Newark. Another great reason we should be praying for our political leaders.

Next up was Brenda Salter McNeil. She was a great speaker and had wonderful things to say. I didn't connect as much with her session as I did with the others. However, the one key idea I remember and feel inspired by was, "experience catalytic events with eyes of faith, not fear." Catalytic events will happen, they have happened to me and how I choose to honor God during those times is what brings me to today. I choose to use catalytic events to move me in my relationship with God so I can be closer to him. What are you going to do with the catalytic events God puts in your life? Will you stay stuck or will you move forward?

Seth Godin, again perhaps one of my favorite speakers, opened my eyes to failure. What was interesting was in his list of accomplishments and titles it stated, "As an entrepreneur, he has founded dozens of companies, most of which have failed." Well duh, Cara, that's what entrepreneurs do. Yes, but rarely are failures talked about. It seems like such a taboo topic in general. People work so hard to be perfect and have only success, but it's not realistic.  I know I'm not perfect, but I don't want to be known as a failure. Why are we so afraid to talk about failures? They are learning opportunities. I think what was so great was some of the speakers talks were easily connected. Failure, action, vulnerability, and humility. They all work together. What a dynamic person to have all of those on your personal resume. I've struggled a lot with failure this year. I've allowed it to beat me down and make me feel like I'm not worthy of God's blessing because I failed at reaching people for him. So I was stopped in my tracks when I heard Godin speaking of how failure is not a big deal. It happens so move on. Do something else. Failure shouldn't stop us from doing what God wants us to do. How many "great" people have had failure upon failure? In fact how many people have started companies or created an invention that just bombed. They may have gone down a different road afterward but did that end their searching for opportunities? I wonder. this is especially helpful in my writing. I often feel like I'm not getting any better. I read books and while I know "great" authors such as J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter) are denied by several publishers before finding one who believe in their stories, it still somehow seems like they have something I don't. I don't want Satan to be able to use failure against me so I want to change my response to my failures and keep trying. God has something in store for me and I will continue to seek that out.

Global Leadership Summit - Day 1 part 2

I really have so much to say in reflection of the conference but I feel the need to share about the speakers first. I want you to know who these dynamic people were. So let me finish introducing day 1 speakers. You'll probably get tired of hearing about it but I think I have a weeks worth of blogs that I could write up just tonight on everything. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I'm on the conference high which will fade. You just have to be there and listen to what God is saying through each of these people to understand the inspiration and passion. That's where I want to be. I want to be in a place where God's passion emanates from me.


Reverend, Dr. Brenda Salter McNeil, founder and president of Salter McNeil & Associates (a leadership development firm). Salter McNeil spoke on having courageous leadership for catalytic times. She was a great speaker, very passionate and definitely at times fit the stereotype (if that's ok to say) of an African-American preacher. She got fired up! She spoke a lot on working globally and building global relationships.


*She used the example of Chuck Yeager, the first man to break the sound barrier. He pushed through to the sound barrier when no one else did and that was a catalytic event!


*She read from Acts chapter 1:8, "But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."


*She likened Jerusalem as your home, your comfort zone. This takes courage to be a witness here because you are confronting people at your own table or in your own home. 


*Judea was in situations that were close to home, but had different sub-cultures. Things like different denominations or political differences, age differences...etc.


*Samaria was nearby but full of people we are hostile toward or vice versa. The impoverished communities we drive by, the corporate greed, outsiders. To be a witness in Samaria takes people who defy their natural abilities, using unorthodox tactics.


*It takes catalytic events to move us. Without these events we are stuck.


*Experience catalytic events with eyes of FAITH not fear. We shouldn't be afraid of huge events in our lives. God is there ready to use us. She gave these 3 simple steps to use catalytic events for the glory of God:
1. Pray for a divine mandate
2. Name your catalytic events
3. Mobilize people to go - Faith without works is dead!


Seth Godin, Squidoo founder, entrepreneur, blogger. This guy was perhaps one of my favorites. He was a quirky guy who made lots of jokes and used over 100 slides on powerpoint....all pictures. Apparently the powerpoint thing is something he's known for. They showed a brief clip of him talking about his presentations and he said (a loose paraphrase) "People use powerpoint wrong. They fill the slides with words and then expect the audience to read and listen at the same time. I use pictures to enhance my speaking." It was definitely an asset! He spoke on being an artist (not in the traditional sense of painting, drawing, or music), being one who creates and doesn't necessarily think outside the box but hangs on the edges of the box. We picked up his book, Poke the Box. 


*The industrial age is over, but a new age is emerging. An age of artists.


*Art as he defined it - The risky human act of doing something you've never done before with and for someone.


*There is no map for being an artist to tell you how to connect with people.


* People will not pay attention to things that are common or the same, they will pay attention to things that are different.


*An old school of thought was "What you want to do is what we ask you to do." We need to step outside of that thinking and start doing what we want (in terms of innovation).


*If failure is not an option than neither is success.


*Being innovative also means giving gifts, not favors. I'm doing this for you & with you.


*We are constantly looking for a reason to not do our art. Are these excuses or will you use them as opportunities?


*"We need you to lead us." - The World




Steven Furtick, lead pastor of Elevation Church in NC. This guy was pretty funny. Unfortunately, the conference was running late and we had to relieve our babysitters before he finished. Luckily, we have the audio files for all the speakers so we can listen to his talk again. He was talking about audacious faith. A side note: he reminded me of a black-haired Matt Damon. I think it was his facial features. Weird. 


*2 Kings 3:9-20 - The story of Elisha who believed God would come through. He dug ditches for rain water before the clouds were even in sight. 


*God doesn't want us to envision an end, just a start.


*If your vision isn't intimidating to you there's a good chance it's insulting to God.


*Faith believes it before it sees it.


*The difference between a visionary and a daydreamer is the audacity to carry out the vision.


And that's all the notes I have for him....I need to finish listening to his talk because my passion to recklessly abandon my desires and thoughts to trust God's was renewed.

Global Leadership Summit - Day 1

I told a few people I'd blog about the conference so they could read about what happened there. I'll do my best but I can tell you there is no way I'll be even close to sharing the passion, the motivation, the inspiration, the wisdom, humor and ideas as well as experiencing it in person. PLEASE, if you were even remotely interested in attending this year and made an excuse not to....do it next year! The date is already set August 9-10, 2012. It's not just for leaders it's for people who are looking to grow and be challenged.

A brief background of the conference. It is put on by Willow Creek Church in Chicago. I might have just lost some readers there who are thinking it's solely a Christian conference. IT'S NOT!!! They have people of all areas who speak and the ideas shared can be applied to any situation in life. Sure there are a lot of things incorporated which are Christian, but certainly there is something for all to learn. It is put on in Chicago and then is simulcasted across the US and many other countries.

Bill Hybels, Pastor of Willow Creek Church and author of several popular mainstream books opened with an introduction and spoke during the first session. He spoke a lot on leading people. He gave several ideas on how to rate people in your company or organization as well as how things are going. 5 questions were presented to the audience.

#1 What is your current challenge level? For example on a line graph split into thirds, one area representing being under-challenged, another being appropriately challenged, and finally another being dangerously over-challenged. Hybels stated there is a lot of research showing people who are just over the appropriate range in the dangerously over-challenged are the most productive and most motivated. Any other area on the line is dangerous. If you are not challenged you will atrophy, if you are appropriately challenged you become too comfortable, similarly if you are too far in the dangerously over-challenged area you will burn out and lose passion.

#2 What is your plan to deal with challenging people? What stuck out to me in this topic was challenging doesn't have to mean they are bad at what they do. In fact they might be great assets to the company but what happens if the company goes in a direction that doesn't is beyond that persons capacity? How will you let them go?

#3 Are you naming, facing, and resolving the problems that exist? His examples came from Acts 2-4 and 6. Read it.

#4 Are you clear about your core values, missions, visions? Hybels shared his staff is working to define the central gospel of Christianity in 5 words to refocus. The same can be done for any organization or company.

#5 Have you had your bell rung recently? Have you had an experience or heard some new nuggets of information that has rocked your world? You need to be constantly looking to improve. Humble yourself to learn from other leaders.

Final thought: You have to believe God will move you from here to there.

Len Schelsinger, president of Babson college (focused on entrepreneurship) among other accomplishments spoke on taking action. I saw an outline for his session beforehand and was excited to hear him speak. I hope to purchase his book called Action Trumps Everything because I strongly believe as a church we need to be doing more acting and less talking or watching.

Here are a few key ideas I took away from his session:

* You have to identify what is unacceptable about "here" to get people to move to "there."

*Believe in the future by creating it first!

*If you can't predict the future...act! Create it

*What would you do if you were Indiana Jones and you fell into a dark hole? Take small steps with what you've got on hand. What do you care about? Stop worrying about what you want to do and start thinking about the next steps.

*Failure doesn't mean game over, it means try again with experience. Quite likely you learned something else nobody knows through your failure.

1. Know what you want
2. Start with the means you have at hand
3. Observe and reflect on what you learned from each step
4. Take steps based on what you can afford to lose
5. Bring other people with you for support


Honorable Cory Booker, mayor of Newark, New Jersey. He has a documentary about what he's been doing in Newark called Street Fight. 


His session was more motivational. He shared various experiences and stories of working in impoverished neighborhoods full of gang wars, drug dealers, and high rates of crime.

A few key thoughts:

*The only way to bring about change is to do it myself

* Who you ARE speaks so loudly I can't hear a single thing you say.

* In life you can either accept situations as they are and do nothing or you can accept responsibility to change it.

*Are we evidencing our truth?

Simple thoughts, but thoughts that are often forgotten.


Ok, I think that's enough for tonight. There were still 3 other speakers who shared on the first day. All were equally as inspiring. It might take me all weekend to share. ;) Get comfy!

I feel like I learned a lot of good information when working in groups and motivating others. Mostly I was motivated myself to pursue things I want to pursue. To not be afraid of failing and to TRULY believe God will work for me and through me.

Really, you need to go to one of these things.