In my previous post I had mentioned the doubt I was starting to experience. This doubt was being directed at God and all the usual questions came out:
"Why is this happening to us?"
"Will we even be able to have another biological child?"
"What did we do to deserve this?"
"Why can an irresponsible teenager or drug addict get pregnant immediately, but we can't?"
I was so mad at myself for these questions because I know God is a sovereign God and he takes care of us so I didn't want to question his love or desires for us. I felt like I was throwing my trust in him out the window. These questions might be natural but I don't believe it's the response God wants from us.
I worked hard every day to keep my mind focused on the promises God has given us. I knew he was in control and his plan was far greater than what I could have planned. I can say I had some good days but there were also some bad days. For the most part each month I continued to have hope we would get pregnant that month. Once my period started I became angry and sad (perhaps partly due to hormones). Then I'd hope again and then I'd get angry again. It was wearing. I was tired of hoping and then having it crushed. As each month went by of course, things became harder for me emotionally. Overall I think I did ok, but I won't lie, I had gotten to a point where I figured we were not going to be able to get pregnant.
What's the big deal? It takes most couples a year to get pregnant. I think what made it hard for me was how easy things went with Hadley, I knew things worked then. What happened in the last two years? I had a positive test in May, so we had gotten close but again, nothing. I'm only 29. It just wasn't making sense. I know there are an array of possibilities and so I thought I may need to change my expectations.
I did feel like come August and September God had given me peace. There were still little moments of anger or sadness but overall I had just become tired of worrying and being on the roller coaster I had given up control.
Or at least I thought. After talking with my Dr. and getting the prescription for Clomid we really struggled with going through any infertility treatment because in a sense it felt like we were taking the control out of God's hands. Please let me honestly say I do not judge others for using infertility treatments. Just like adoption, I think it has to be a personal decision. I know people say if you had cancer you'd get treatment so what's the difference with infertility treatment? One saves lives and one creates life, but apart from that I can't really explain why it would be different for us. I also think it was harder for us to be ok with infertility treatments because we already had one child and we took time to pray about how we felt God wanted our family to look. If we hadn't had ANY children perhaps things would have been different.
We had been asked about adoption. At the time we were not ready to consider it. It didn't seem like an option for us but I think there are several reasons for that. One, we weren't positive we couldn't have another kid and since we only wanted two children we didn't think continuing to try and also looking in to adoption was the right direction. Second, if we had been told no more biological children I can say we would have gone to God and sought his will in terms of adoption. I think then, and only then we could have been appropriately ready to adopt a child in to our family. Of course we had concerns of the whole process, I think most people do, that's why we'd want to be in prayer about how to handle those.
Throughout this experience I have certainly gained a whole new perspective for those who experience infertility. As I read and researched things I began to understand EVERY SINGLE SITUATION IS DIFFERENT. I could not find one similar to ours (not that we experienced true infertility) and it seemed like every story had something different. I realized the emotions and how hard it is to deal with others when you're going through it. Even though there were people who didn't know we were trying their comments about "when are you having another kid?" was still hard to hear. I may or may not have wanted to scream at them, "WE'RE TRYING!" I know they meant no harm and so I had to check my attitude about it. It was also hard to hear from those who knew, "Don't worry it'll happen." Because I know for so many people it doesn't happen. Again, I know they were trying to be encouraging so I had to put aside my attitude. I urge those who have not struggled when it comes to having kids, please be sensitive even when innocently asking if a couple will have another child.
I will say I praise God for the opportunity to have experienced that. Not only to understand what others go through but also to have time with God. I'm glad I went through it all with Jon too, he was an amazing support and partner in it all.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Baby #2 - The timeline
So the news is out.....we're welcoming another little baby into our family in early June. June 9th is the due date but Hadley was two and a half weeks early so perhaps this one will be too. We're excited! Jon and I have always wanted to have two kids and feel blessed God has fulfilled those dreams for us.
So the journey for kid #2 wasn't as simple as things were with Hadley. I actually feel guilty and slightly embarrassed to talk about it, at least how I handled it, but I know it will come up and so I'll just put it down in words for those interested.
We decided to start trying January of this year, which was earlier than planned. After 3 months passed of no luck (it only took 2 months with Hadley) a tiny voice started to speak doubts into my subconscious. I'm convinced every woman trying to conceive has this but it just shows up at different times. I decided I'd at least start tracking the length of my cycle, which has always been irregular and longer than the normal 28 days. May rolled around and we were busy with Hadley's birthday party and Mother's day so I was distracted. On Hadley's birthday I ended up with a bad case of the stomach flu. This also happened to be the earliest week we could take a pregnancy test. I decided I'd take a test on a Wednesday (I had been feeling much better from the flu) and it came back with a positive. I tried to be excited but something inside me said this wasn't quite right, that maybe the test was wrong. I decided to call the Dr. and setup my first appointment the next day. Friday rolled around and the spotting started. I had spotting with Hadley early on so I didn't want to freak out about it, but it did take me by surprise. I waited to call the Dr. because I wanted to see if it was spotting or if it was really going to turn in to more.
Later that afternoon it was starting to turn in to more and I was getting more anxious. I called the Dr.'s office about a half hour before they closed. They had wanted to get me in to the lab for a blood test but I wouldn't be able to before it was closed. The nurse told me to take another test the next morning and then call again on Monday to report back (she also told me what to do in case the situation turned bad). I took another test Saturday morning and it was negative and my cycle ran it's course. I was upset. Honestly, I can't say it was because I was mourning the baby and I don't say that without realizing the sensitivity of the statement. I knew from the beginning something wasn't right. I was upset that yet another month went by without success. My Dr. thought maybe it was just a false positive but the signs were there that I was pregnant. She also said there was a possibility that the fertilized egg never implanted which is extremely common. Many women don't know that because they don't test early enough to realize it.
The next month was full of hot flashes and a screwed up cycle. Just another confirmation that I was pregnant. Since things were out of whack in June we again had no luck. By July I was at the point of giving in to doing more tracking and using an ovulation predictor kit. July and August I started tracking my temperature. I really just wanted to have information to hand to my Dr. in case we decided to go visit her. The temperature method just did not work for me or perhaps it was telling of what was going on. My temperature was all over the place from day to day so it was ineffective in helping me figure out ovulation.
I broke down and bought an ovulation kit in August. That was a huge pain, but I wanted to do what we could. Jon and I decided by August it was time to just go in and have a discussion with my Dr. If something was wrong we might as well have time to figure out if we wanted to fix it or just let nature take it's course. The Dr. couldn't get me in until early September so that allowed me to go through one more cycle. Nothing.
I went to my Dr.'s appointment and handed her all the info I had charted and kept track of. After she looked over everything she came to the decision that I wasn't ovulating efficiently. Most likely I was ovulating too late in my cycle. She gave me a prescription for Clomid, reassuring me I would not become the "octa-mom". I wouldn't be able to start until October.
Jon and I discussed if we wanted to go through with taking the clomid or if it was taking the control out of God's hands. We decided we'd try it out and take it month by month if nothing happened in the first round.
Well, Praise God, we didn't have to take it (even though I had already bought it). We got pregnant that month and the clomid is still sitting on my dresser untouched. That's the timeline of how we got here. There was so much more involved though. Namely, God. That deserves a post in itself. Where was God in this whole situation and how we did or did not allow him to work in our lives will be in a later post!
So the journey for kid #2 wasn't as simple as things were with Hadley. I actually feel guilty and slightly embarrassed to talk about it, at least how I handled it, but I know it will come up and so I'll just put it down in words for those interested.
We decided to start trying January of this year, which was earlier than planned. After 3 months passed of no luck (it only took 2 months with Hadley) a tiny voice started to speak doubts into my subconscious. I'm convinced every woman trying to conceive has this but it just shows up at different times. I decided I'd at least start tracking the length of my cycle, which has always been irregular and longer than the normal 28 days. May rolled around and we were busy with Hadley's birthday party and Mother's day so I was distracted. On Hadley's birthday I ended up with a bad case of the stomach flu. This also happened to be the earliest week we could take a pregnancy test. I decided I'd take a test on a Wednesday (I had been feeling much better from the flu) and it came back with a positive. I tried to be excited but something inside me said this wasn't quite right, that maybe the test was wrong. I decided to call the Dr. and setup my first appointment the next day. Friday rolled around and the spotting started. I had spotting with Hadley early on so I didn't want to freak out about it, but it did take me by surprise. I waited to call the Dr. because I wanted to see if it was spotting or if it was really going to turn in to more.
Later that afternoon it was starting to turn in to more and I was getting more anxious. I called the Dr.'s office about a half hour before they closed. They had wanted to get me in to the lab for a blood test but I wouldn't be able to before it was closed. The nurse told me to take another test the next morning and then call again on Monday to report back (she also told me what to do in case the situation turned bad). I took another test Saturday morning and it was negative and my cycle ran it's course. I was upset. Honestly, I can't say it was because I was mourning the baby and I don't say that without realizing the sensitivity of the statement. I knew from the beginning something wasn't right. I was upset that yet another month went by without success. My Dr. thought maybe it was just a false positive but the signs were there that I was pregnant. She also said there was a possibility that the fertilized egg never implanted which is extremely common. Many women don't know that because they don't test early enough to realize it.
The next month was full of hot flashes and a screwed up cycle. Just another confirmation that I was pregnant. Since things were out of whack in June we again had no luck. By July I was at the point of giving in to doing more tracking and using an ovulation predictor kit. July and August I started tracking my temperature. I really just wanted to have information to hand to my Dr. in case we decided to go visit her. The temperature method just did not work for me or perhaps it was telling of what was going on. My temperature was all over the place from day to day so it was ineffective in helping me figure out ovulation.
I broke down and bought an ovulation kit in August. That was a huge pain, but I wanted to do what we could. Jon and I decided by August it was time to just go in and have a discussion with my Dr. If something was wrong we might as well have time to figure out if we wanted to fix it or just let nature take it's course. The Dr. couldn't get me in until early September so that allowed me to go through one more cycle. Nothing.
I went to my Dr.'s appointment and handed her all the info I had charted and kept track of. After she looked over everything she came to the decision that I wasn't ovulating efficiently. Most likely I was ovulating too late in my cycle. She gave me a prescription for Clomid, reassuring me I would not become the "octa-mom". I wouldn't be able to start until October.
Jon and I discussed if we wanted to go through with taking the clomid or if it was taking the control out of God's hands. We decided we'd try it out and take it month by month if nothing happened in the first round.
Well, Praise God, we didn't have to take it (even though I had already bought it). We got pregnant that month and the clomid is still sitting on my dresser untouched. That's the timeline of how we got here. There was so much more involved though. Namely, God. That deserves a post in itself. Where was God in this whole situation and how we did or did not allow him to work in our lives will be in a later post!
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