In my previous post I had mentioned the doubt I was starting to experience. This doubt was being directed at God and all the usual questions came out:
"Why is this happening to us?"
"Will we even be able to have another biological child?"
"What did we do to deserve this?"
"Why can an irresponsible teenager or drug addict get pregnant immediately, but we can't?"
I was so mad at myself for these questions because I know God is a sovereign God and he takes care of us so I didn't want to question his love or desires for us. I felt like I was throwing my trust in him out the window. These questions might be natural but I don't believe it's the response God wants from us.
I worked hard every day to keep my mind focused on the promises God has given us. I knew he was in control and his plan was far greater than what I could have planned. I can say I had some good days but there were also some bad days. For the most part each month I continued to have hope we would get pregnant that month. Once my period started I became angry and sad (perhaps partly due to hormones). Then I'd hope again and then I'd get angry again. It was wearing. I was tired of hoping and then having it crushed. As each month went by of course, things became harder for me emotionally. Overall I think I did ok, but I won't lie, I had gotten to a point where I figured we were not going to be able to get pregnant.
What's the big deal? It takes most couples a year to get pregnant. I think what made it hard for me was how easy things went with Hadley, I knew things worked then. What happened in the last two years? I had a positive test in May, so we had gotten close but again, nothing. I'm only 29. It just wasn't making sense. I know there are an array of possibilities and so I thought I may need to change my expectations.
I did feel like come August and September God had given me peace. There were still little moments of anger or sadness but overall I had just become tired of worrying and being on the roller coaster I had given up control.
Or at least I thought. After talking with my Dr. and getting the prescription for Clomid we really struggled with going through any infertility treatment because in a sense it felt like we were taking the control out of God's hands. Please let me honestly say I do not judge others for using infertility treatments. Just like adoption, I think it has to be a personal decision. I know people say if you had cancer you'd get treatment so what's the difference with infertility treatment? One saves lives and one creates life, but apart from that I can't really explain why it would be different for us. I also think it was harder for us to be ok with infertility treatments because we already had one child and we took time to pray about how we felt God wanted our family to look. If we hadn't had ANY children perhaps things would have been different.
We had been asked about adoption. At the time we were not ready to consider it. It didn't seem like an option for us but I think there are several reasons for that. One, we weren't positive we couldn't have another kid and since we only wanted two children we didn't think continuing to try and also looking in to adoption was the right direction. Second, if we had been told no more biological children I can say we would have gone to God and sought his will in terms of adoption. I think then, and only then we could have been appropriately ready to adopt a child in to our family. Of course we had concerns of the whole process, I think most people do, that's why we'd want to be in prayer about how to handle those.
Throughout this experience I have certainly gained a whole new perspective for those who experience infertility. As I read and researched things I began to understand EVERY SINGLE SITUATION IS DIFFERENT. I could not find one similar to ours (not that we experienced true infertility) and it seemed like every story had something different. I realized the emotions and how hard it is to deal with others when you're going through it. Even though there were people who didn't know we were trying their comments about "when are you having another kid?" was still hard to hear. I may or may not have wanted to scream at them, "WE'RE TRYING!" I know they meant no harm and so I had to check my attitude about it. It was also hard to hear from those who knew, "Don't worry it'll happen." Because I know for so many people it doesn't happen. Again, I know they were trying to be encouraging so I had to put aside my attitude. I urge those who have not struggled when it comes to having kids, please be sensitive even when innocently asking if a couple will have another child.
I will say I praise God for the opportunity to have experienced that. Not only to understand what others go through but also to have time with God. I'm glad I went through it all with Jon too, he was an amazing support and partner in it all.
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