Again with our life group discussion. It's been a while since I've allowed God to push me in my thinking of how he wants us to live. In part, I'm thankful for this group of people who are willing to share honestly and challenge each other.
Reading through our current study, Radical, our topic of discussion was about reevaluating our possessions and wealth and being more generous toward the poor. God makes it VERY clear that we are to take care of the poor, orphans, and widows. It shows up several times in scripture. Naturally, the discussion centered around money. Jesus talked a lot about money and so that tells me it it's an important topic. God blesses some people with lots of money and expects all of us to manage what we have in a way that honors him.
One point that seemed to spark the most discussion was we need to have money to be able to serve the poor so we should manage our finances in such a way. I get that. As I read through the chapter I kept thinking is it wrong to manage our finances so when disaster strikes we have nothing to live on? Surely God wants us to have a savings. My only problem is nowhere in the bible does it say to save up our money. It reminds me of the Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:14-28). Perhaps this was not the point of that parable but isn't it the same idea? God blesses us with stuff and by stuff I mean material and monetary possessions and out of fear of an emergency we run and hide our money. Just like the third man in the parable ran and hid his talents doing absolutely nothing with them.
I began to think after our discussion more about this. I really felt like I was wrestling with this idea of saving money in order to give to the poor. Here are a few thoughts the Spirit seemed to throw around in my head. Sometimes money is all that is needed in a situation but most of the time it's only relief. By relief I mean immediate, short-term help. By giving someone money for groceries I have met a long-term need with a short-term answer because once they run out of groceries they will need more and where will they get that money? Getting a car for someone is a great way to serve them and no doubt God has called people to do that, but again, what happens when that car needs repairs? Will this person be able to afford gas or insurance? Perhaps God will call you to support them in that way forever, although from what I've seen God do I think he'd be asking us to do much more than just give them grocery money. I also want to clarify we should not allow the details of the situation and long-term care scare us to the point of not giving. Just because we don't know how the person is going to pay for their next set of groceries doesn't mean we should not give. I think we need to be looking into the deeper issues though then just handing out money.
So how do we meet those long-term needs? It's like the old saying, "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he'll eat for a life time." I know some people can't physically work so helping them learn a new trade in order to get a better job may not be the solution, but connecting them with resources that are better off meeting a long-term need like groceries might be better. Perhaps it has nothing to do with them being able to get a job but it has everything to do with them keeping themselves healthy. Just because we live in America doesn't mean Americans know how to live a healthy lifestyle. Being healthy could be someones answer to staying out of poverty. Simply knowing the language could help a poor person, whether it's learning to read and write or to speak the language. Knowing how to have functioning, healthy relationships. Developing a healthy spiritual and emotional life could prevent poverty. It's a holistic approach.
As Americans we often equate poverty with lack of money and on the surface, yes I would agree, but there is so much more to it than just money. And if as Christians, we stop serving the poor because we feel like we don't have enough money I wonder, number one, are we trusting God enough to lead us in to a situation where our total dependence is on him to provide what we AND the other person needs? And number two, what other resources do we have to support the holistic healing of this persons life to bring them out of poverty? Money has it's role in helping the poor but I certainly don't think it's the end-all solution.
What do you think? Do we have to have money to serve the poor? Is it irresponsible to serve those in need when we ourselves are barely scraping by financially?
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Profile of the Lukewarm
"It is not scientific doubt, not atheism, not pantheism, not agnosticism, that in our day and in this land is likely to quench the light of the gospel. It is a proud, sensuous, selfish, luxurious, church-going, hollow-hearted prosperity." - Frederic D. Huntington, Forum Magazine, 1890 (Taken from Crazy Love by Francis Chan)
Seeing this quote was taken from a man in 1890 it shows the consistency of lukewarm disciples of Christ. It seems more appropriate to say lukewarm Christians as the term disciples infers so much more commitment.
In my reading through Crazy Love by Francis Chan he has a challenging chapter of which I stole the title for this post. My recent posts were about being of the world and being relevant as discussions emerged through our life group's reading of Radical by David Platt. I was searching for specifics of what that meant. While this chapter is about us being lukewarm and not so much about being of the world I think it fits perfectly. It's clear God would rather us be on one end of the spectrum or the other in our faith than to be lukewarm.
"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see." Rev 3: 15-18 (NIV84)
God DETESTS lukewarm living. He'd rather me not believe in him at all than to live half-heartedly. Ok, well I think ultimately he would rather I follow him but the degree to which I do it should be full on, ready for anything, completely dependent and trusting in him.
Here is Chan's outline of a lukewarm life:
1. Lukewarm people attend church fairly regularly.
2. Lukewarm people give money to charity and to the church...as long as it doesn't impinge on their standard of living.
3. Lukewarm people tend to choose what is popular over what is right when they are in conflict.
4. Lukewarm people don't really want to be saved from their sin: they want only to be saved from the penalty of their sin.
5. Lukewarm people are moved by stories about people who do radical things for Christ, yet they do not act.
6. Lukewarm people rarely share their faith with their neighbors, coworkers, or friends.
7. Lukewarm people gauge their morality or "goodness" by comparing themselves to the secular world.
8. Lukewarm people say they love Jesus, and He is, indeed, a part of their lives. But only part.
9. Lukewarm people love God, but they do not love HIm with all their heart, soul, and strength.
10. Lukewarm people love others but do not seek to love others as much as they love themselves.
11. Lukewarm people will serve God and others, but there are limits to how far they will go or how much time, money, and energy they are willing to give.
12. Lukewarm people think about life on earth much more often than eternity in heaven.
13. Lukewarm people are thankful for their luxuries and comforts, and rarely consider trying to give as much as possible to the poor.
14. Lukewarm people do whatever is necessary to keep themselves from feeling too guilty.
15. Lukewarm people are continually concerned with playing it safe; they are slaves to the god of control.
16. Lukewarm people feel secure because they attend church, made a profession of faith at age twelve, were baptized, come from a Christian family, vote Republican, or live in America.
17. Lukewarm people do not live by faith; their lives are structured so they do not have to.
18. Lukewarm people probably drink and swear less than average, but besides that, they really aren't very different from your typical unbeliever.
WOW!!!! If you're like me I finished reading through this (he backed up every single item with at least two references to scripture by the way) and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. Some of these are more prevalent in my life than others so does that make me a lukewarm Christian? Chan addresses this in the end of the chapter but he also challenges his readers to consider our current state and how we will no longer be lukewarm.
Which of the 18 items hits you the hardest about yourself? May you take a moment and have a real conversation with God about being transformed from Lukewarm to Radical.
"Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves." 2 Corinthians 13:5
Seeing this quote was taken from a man in 1890 it shows the consistency of lukewarm disciples of Christ. It seems more appropriate to say lukewarm Christians as the term disciples infers so much more commitment.
In my reading through Crazy Love by Francis Chan he has a challenging chapter of which I stole the title for this post. My recent posts were about being of the world and being relevant as discussions emerged through our life group's reading of Radical by David Platt. I was searching for specifics of what that meant. While this chapter is about us being lukewarm and not so much about being of the world I think it fits perfectly. It's clear God would rather us be on one end of the spectrum or the other in our faith than to be lukewarm.
"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see." Rev 3: 15-18 (NIV84)
God DETESTS lukewarm living. He'd rather me not believe in him at all than to live half-heartedly. Ok, well I think ultimately he would rather I follow him but the degree to which I do it should be full on, ready for anything, completely dependent and trusting in him.
Here is Chan's outline of a lukewarm life:
1. Lukewarm people attend church fairly regularly.
2. Lukewarm people give money to charity and to the church...as long as it doesn't impinge on their standard of living.
3. Lukewarm people tend to choose what is popular over what is right when they are in conflict.
4. Lukewarm people don't really want to be saved from their sin: they want only to be saved from the penalty of their sin.
5. Lukewarm people are moved by stories about people who do radical things for Christ, yet they do not act.
6. Lukewarm people rarely share their faith with their neighbors, coworkers, or friends.
7. Lukewarm people gauge their morality or "goodness" by comparing themselves to the secular world.
8. Lukewarm people say they love Jesus, and He is, indeed, a part of their lives. But only part.
9. Lukewarm people love God, but they do not love HIm with all their heart, soul, and strength.
10. Lukewarm people love others but do not seek to love others as much as they love themselves.
11. Lukewarm people will serve God and others, but there are limits to how far they will go or how much time, money, and energy they are willing to give.
12. Lukewarm people think about life on earth much more often than eternity in heaven.
13. Lukewarm people are thankful for their luxuries and comforts, and rarely consider trying to give as much as possible to the poor.
14. Lukewarm people do whatever is necessary to keep themselves from feeling too guilty.
15. Lukewarm people are continually concerned with playing it safe; they are slaves to the god of control.
16. Lukewarm people feel secure because they attend church, made a profession of faith at age twelve, were baptized, come from a Christian family, vote Republican, or live in America.
17. Lukewarm people do not live by faith; their lives are structured so they do not have to.
18. Lukewarm people probably drink and swear less than average, but besides that, they really aren't very different from your typical unbeliever.
WOW!!!! If you're like me I finished reading through this (he backed up every single item with at least two references to scripture by the way) and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. Some of these are more prevalent in my life than others so does that make me a lukewarm Christian? Chan addresses this in the end of the chapter but he also challenges his readers to consider our current state and how we will no longer be lukewarm.
Which of the 18 items hits you the hardest about yourself? May you take a moment and have a real conversation with God about being transformed from Lukewarm to Radical.
"Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves." 2 Corinthians 13:5
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Being Relevant While Being Radical
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2
I was hoping someone would read my previous blog and come up with some brilliant, clearly defined answer to my question of being relevant and radical. But alas, I will look to the scriptures. (That's a joke.)
After searching through some of the scriptures (it's possible I missed some) I came to the unofficial conclusion to be radical means to not partake in the sinful nature of this world. That seems pretty cut and dry to me. Sure we'll mess up and make mistakes but it's the difference between us trying and the world not caring. Titus 2 was a great chapter on righteous living.
It [the grace of God] teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age. Titus 2:12
Just living a self-controlled life (according to our desires and sinful nature) and not giving in to what we think we need is living radically by our societies standards. Living self-controlled lives in regards to our marriages so that we can uphold the commitment is radical. As basic as these ideas are they are a part of radical living in our society and I guarantee people will notice. Sadly, it shouldn't take much to stand apart from the world. Using our possessions, or rather maintaining an attitude of not our's but God's possessions, to serve others. Isn't that radical?
Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. 1 Peter 2:11
Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.1 John 2:15
What else? What other specific ways can we abstain from the sinful nature and stand apart from the world in order to bring God to the forefront?
Friday, January 27, 2012
Being In the world but not Of the World
This has been a topic of discussion with our life group lately. We're reading through the book, Radical by David Platt. I'll say it has been challenging to read. At least within our life group, the book did not receive raving reviews in the very beginning but I think as we read on people are starting to connect with the author. I will admit, personally, while I understand what he was trying to prove with his international examples of people risking their lives for Christ, it was a distraction to know how I can live radically in America. Perhaps it'd be best put as his relevant points were clouded by irrelevant examples. This point is selfish. When I read a book about living for Christ I want to know what it means for me and if I can't relate to people meeting in secret I don't see the point. This way of thinking may not be the best, but I will admit that is my initial reaction. Just like most of us go to church and say, "This church is not meeting MY needs." So we start the church hop. Or we say, "How does this scripture apply to MY life?"
Our latest discussion was on God being our main source for power. We read through the usual verses of being connected to the vine, who is God, and producing fruit or being pruned and cut off. As most discussions we went in a few different directions but one in particular seemed to spark some varying thoughts. What does it look like to "bear good fruit?" Non-Christians can still be good people and do good things. How can you really tell they are of God? How can others tell we, Christians, are of God and producing spirit-filled fruit? How can we be relevant without being worldly?
Oddly enough, this had come up around Christmas time also. What is an appropriate way for Christians to celebrate Christmas? Should we allow Santa to be part of our Christmas celebration or is that a distraction from Jesus? What about putting up decorations for Christmas?
My initial thought is we need to know what's going on in the world around us to be able to be relevant. I am not suggesting we need to try drugs in order to minister to addicts, but shelter ourselves or even deny that drugs are a part of our society is ignorant. Jesus knew what the Jews were up against when it came to being a slave to The Law and religious rituals. He often used that, as did Paul and the other disciples to minister to those around him. Paul was very good at knowing his audience and speaking to their desires and needs (i.e. Acts 20-28). However, he did not partake in the sinful nature of it. Most modern-day missionaries go through months of training and a year or more of living in a culture to learn how those people live. The history of Christian missionaries has been less than perfect because while they try to convert others to Christianity they simultaneously tried to Americanize them. The difference between living in and being part of that culture is missionaries do not take part in the witchcraft or other religious ceremonies that are against God, they also do not abuse or kill "in the name of God" as so many other religious fanatics do.
So what does this mean for us in America? What is going to make us different? What sets us apart from others in society? Should we not be watching TV? Over half of the shows on TV are far from honoring to God. What about movies and music? I've heard a lot of songs that could be considered wholesome yet they mention nothing of God? What about buying "stuff?" If we fill our homes with furniture, small kitchen appliances, clothes, and decorative items are we being slaves to materialism? Would it not speak volumes to those who came to our house and asked why it was so empty to say we place our hope in the things of God and not material things that will fade?
How can we be relevant and radical in our living as a disciple of Christ?
Our latest discussion was on God being our main source for power. We read through the usual verses of being connected to the vine, who is God, and producing fruit or being pruned and cut off. As most discussions we went in a few different directions but one in particular seemed to spark some varying thoughts. What does it look like to "bear good fruit?" Non-Christians can still be good people and do good things. How can you really tell they are of God? How can others tell we, Christians, are of God and producing spirit-filled fruit? How can we be relevant without being worldly?
Oddly enough, this had come up around Christmas time also. What is an appropriate way for Christians to celebrate Christmas? Should we allow Santa to be part of our Christmas celebration or is that a distraction from Jesus? What about putting up decorations for Christmas?
My initial thought is we need to know what's going on in the world around us to be able to be relevant. I am not suggesting we need to try drugs in order to minister to addicts, but shelter ourselves or even deny that drugs are a part of our society is ignorant. Jesus knew what the Jews were up against when it came to being a slave to The Law and religious rituals. He often used that, as did Paul and the other disciples to minister to those around him. Paul was very good at knowing his audience and speaking to their desires and needs (i.e. Acts 20-28). However, he did not partake in the sinful nature of it. Most modern-day missionaries go through months of training and a year or more of living in a culture to learn how those people live. The history of Christian missionaries has been less than perfect because while they try to convert others to Christianity they simultaneously tried to Americanize them. The difference between living in and being part of that culture is missionaries do not take part in the witchcraft or other religious ceremonies that are against God, they also do not abuse or kill "in the name of God" as so many other religious fanatics do.
So what does this mean for us in America? What is going to make us different? What sets us apart from others in society? Should we not be watching TV? Over half of the shows on TV are far from honoring to God. What about movies and music? I've heard a lot of songs that could be considered wholesome yet they mention nothing of God? What about buying "stuff?" If we fill our homes with furniture, small kitchen appliances, clothes, and decorative items are we being slaves to materialism? Would it not speak volumes to those who came to our house and asked why it was so empty to say we place our hope in the things of God and not material things that will fade?
How can we be relevant and radical in our living as a disciple of Christ?
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Questions and Decisions
This might be short and lacking in sustenance, but bear with me. I feel as though God is leading me on a new journey. Perhaps it's more of a revisit of a journey I've already been on, but at a different level. What do I believe? I can make a long post out of that. I know of a lot of truths I believe. That's not my quest. More specifically, at this moment, I feel like God is asking me to reexamine where I stand on theological issues. I don't intend to find concrete answers because I know, as previously sought after, they don't exist. However, I need to reconsider what about those theological issues is important to God.
I know a portion of this is to include prayer for wisdom and guidance and time reading through the Bible. Part of this will also include looking at books written by C.S. Lewis and Rob Bell. Yes, I'm jumping on the bandwagon to see why Bell's book, among so many others, has come to the forefront of controversy.
So I'm starting with C.S. Lewis' book, The Great Divorce. It's fictional but in the preface Lewis states his intentions were to share some morals with his readers and additionally, I think, give a glimpse of what he believed. I know that I'll be reading things written by imperfect humans so I will approach them with caution and ask God to share his heart on the matter.
It's going to be a long slow process. I certainly can't commit to a blog every week about it and maybe not even every month but it'll be peppered throughout. I appreciate other's respectful, lovingly-put, thoughts on matters.
So here is where I begin: From The Great Divorce, by C.S Lewis
"We are not living in a world where all roads are radii of a circle and where all, if followed long enough, will therefore draw gradually nearer and finally meet at the centre: rather in a world where every road, after a few miles, forks into two, and each of those into two again, and at each fork you must make a decision. Even on the biological level life is not like a river but like a tree. It does not move towards unity but away from it and the creatures grow further apart as they increase in perfection. Good, as it ripens, becomes continually more different not only from evil but from other good."
I know a portion of this is to include prayer for wisdom and guidance and time reading through the Bible. Part of this will also include looking at books written by C.S. Lewis and Rob Bell. Yes, I'm jumping on the bandwagon to see why Bell's book, among so many others, has come to the forefront of controversy.
So I'm starting with C.S. Lewis' book, The Great Divorce. It's fictional but in the preface Lewis states his intentions were to share some morals with his readers and additionally, I think, give a glimpse of what he believed. I know that I'll be reading things written by imperfect humans so I will approach them with caution and ask God to share his heart on the matter.
It's going to be a long slow process. I certainly can't commit to a blog every week about it and maybe not even every month but it'll be peppered throughout. I appreciate other's respectful, lovingly-put, thoughts on matters.
So here is where I begin: From The Great Divorce, by C.S Lewis
"We are not living in a world where all roads are radii of a circle and where all, if followed long enough, will therefore draw gradually nearer and finally meet at the centre: rather in a world where every road, after a few miles, forks into two, and each of those into two again, and at each fork you must make a decision. Even on the biological level life is not like a river but like a tree. It does not move towards unity but away from it and the creatures grow further apart as they increase in perfection. Good, as it ripens, becomes continually more different not only from evil but from other good."
Monday, November 21, 2011
Baby #2 - Allowing God In
In my previous post I had mentioned the doubt I was starting to experience. This doubt was being directed at God and all the usual questions came out:
"Why is this happening to us?"
"Will we even be able to have another biological child?"
"What did we do to deserve this?"
"Why can an irresponsible teenager or drug addict get pregnant immediately, but we can't?"
I was so mad at myself for these questions because I know God is a sovereign God and he takes care of us so I didn't want to question his love or desires for us. I felt like I was throwing my trust in him out the window. These questions might be natural but I don't believe it's the response God wants from us.
I worked hard every day to keep my mind focused on the promises God has given us. I knew he was in control and his plan was far greater than what I could have planned. I can say I had some good days but there were also some bad days. For the most part each month I continued to have hope we would get pregnant that month. Once my period started I became angry and sad (perhaps partly due to hormones). Then I'd hope again and then I'd get angry again. It was wearing. I was tired of hoping and then having it crushed. As each month went by of course, things became harder for me emotionally. Overall I think I did ok, but I won't lie, I had gotten to a point where I figured we were not going to be able to get pregnant.
What's the big deal? It takes most couples a year to get pregnant. I think what made it hard for me was how easy things went with Hadley, I knew things worked then. What happened in the last two years? I had a positive test in May, so we had gotten close but again, nothing. I'm only 29. It just wasn't making sense. I know there are an array of possibilities and so I thought I may need to change my expectations.
I did feel like come August and September God had given me peace. There were still little moments of anger or sadness but overall I had just become tired of worrying and being on the roller coaster I had given up control.
Or at least I thought. After talking with my Dr. and getting the prescription for Clomid we really struggled with going through any infertility treatment because in a sense it felt like we were taking the control out of God's hands. Please let me honestly say I do not judge others for using infertility treatments. Just like adoption, I think it has to be a personal decision. I know people say if you had cancer you'd get treatment so what's the difference with infertility treatment? One saves lives and one creates life, but apart from that I can't really explain why it would be different for us. I also think it was harder for us to be ok with infertility treatments because we already had one child and we took time to pray about how we felt God wanted our family to look. If we hadn't had ANY children perhaps things would have been different.
We had been asked about adoption. At the time we were not ready to consider it. It didn't seem like an option for us but I think there are several reasons for that. One, we weren't positive we couldn't have another kid and since we only wanted two children we didn't think continuing to try and also looking in to adoption was the right direction. Second, if we had been told no more biological children I can say we would have gone to God and sought his will in terms of adoption. I think then, and only then we could have been appropriately ready to adopt a child in to our family. Of course we had concerns of the whole process, I think most people do, that's why we'd want to be in prayer about how to handle those.
Throughout this experience I have certainly gained a whole new perspective for those who experience infertility. As I read and researched things I began to understand EVERY SINGLE SITUATION IS DIFFERENT. I could not find one similar to ours (not that we experienced true infertility) and it seemed like every story had something different. I realized the emotions and how hard it is to deal with others when you're going through it. Even though there were people who didn't know we were trying their comments about "when are you having another kid?" was still hard to hear. I may or may not have wanted to scream at them, "WE'RE TRYING!" I know they meant no harm and so I had to check my attitude about it. It was also hard to hear from those who knew, "Don't worry it'll happen." Because I know for so many people it doesn't happen. Again, I know they were trying to be encouraging so I had to put aside my attitude. I urge those who have not struggled when it comes to having kids, please be sensitive even when innocently asking if a couple will have another child.
I will say I praise God for the opportunity to have experienced that. Not only to understand what others go through but also to have time with God. I'm glad I went through it all with Jon too, he was an amazing support and partner in it all.
"Why is this happening to us?"
"Will we even be able to have another biological child?"
"What did we do to deserve this?"
"Why can an irresponsible teenager or drug addict get pregnant immediately, but we can't?"
I was so mad at myself for these questions because I know God is a sovereign God and he takes care of us so I didn't want to question his love or desires for us. I felt like I was throwing my trust in him out the window. These questions might be natural but I don't believe it's the response God wants from us.
I worked hard every day to keep my mind focused on the promises God has given us. I knew he was in control and his plan was far greater than what I could have planned. I can say I had some good days but there were also some bad days. For the most part each month I continued to have hope we would get pregnant that month. Once my period started I became angry and sad (perhaps partly due to hormones). Then I'd hope again and then I'd get angry again. It was wearing. I was tired of hoping and then having it crushed. As each month went by of course, things became harder for me emotionally. Overall I think I did ok, but I won't lie, I had gotten to a point where I figured we were not going to be able to get pregnant.
What's the big deal? It takes most couples a year to get pregnant. I think what made it hard for me was how easy things went with Hadley, I knew things worked then. What happened in the last two years? I had a positive test in May, so we had gotten close but again, nothing. I'm only 29. It just wasn't making sense. I know there are an array of possibilities and so I thought I may need to change my expectations.
I did feel like come August and September God had given me peace. There were still little moments of anger or sadness but overall I had just become tired of worrying and being on the roller coaster I had given up control.
Or at least I thought. After talking with my Dr. and getting the prescription for Clomid we really struggled with going through any infertility treatment because in a sense it felt like we were taking the control out of God's hands. Please let me honestly say I do not judge others for using infertility treatments. Just like adoption, I think it has to be a personal decision. I know people say if you had cancer you'd get treatment so what's the difference with infertility treatment? One saves lives and one creates life, but apart from that I can't really explain why it would be different for us. I also think it was harder for us to be ok with infertility treatments because we already had one child and we took time to pray about how we felt God wanted our family to look. If we hadn't had ANY children perhaps things would have been different.
We had been asked about adoption. At the time we were not ready to consider it. It didn't seem like an option for us but I think there are several reasons for that. One, we weren't positive we couldn't have another kid and since we only wanted two children we didn't think continuing to try and also looking in to adoption was the right direction. Second, if we had been told no more biological children I can say we would have gone to God and sought his will in terms of adoption. I think then, and only then we could have been appropriately ready to adopt a child in to our family. Of course we had concerns of the whole process, I think most people do, that's why we'd want to be in prayer about how to handle those.
Throughout this experience I have certainly gained a whole new perspective for those who experience infertility. As I read and researched things I began to understand EVERY SINGLE SITUATION IS DIFFERENT. I could not find one similar to ours (not that we experienced true infertility) and it seemed like every story had something different. I realized the emotions and how hard it is to deal with others when you're going through it. Even though there were people who didn't know we were trying their comments about "when are you having another kid?" was still hard to hear. I may or may not have wanted to scream at them, "WE'RE TRYING!" I know they meant no harm and so I had to check my attitude about it. It was also hard to hear from those who knew, "Don't worry it'll happen." Because I know for so many people it doesn't happen. Again, I know they were trying to be encouraging so I had to put aside my attitude. I urge those who have not struggled when it comes to having kids, please be sensitive even when innocently asking if a couple will have another child.
I will say I praise God for the opportunity to have experienced that. Not only to understand what others go through but also to have time with God. I'm glad I went through it all with Jon too, he was an amazing support and partner in it all.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Baby #2 - The timeline
So the news is out.....we're welcoming another little baby into our family in early June. June 9th is the due date but Hadley was two and a half weeks early so perhaps this one will be too. We're excited! Jon and I have always wanted to have two kids and feel blessed God has fulfilled those dreams for us.
So the journey for kid #2 wasn't as simple as things were with Hadley. I actually feel guilty and slightly embarrassed to talk about it, at least how I handled it, but I know it will come up and so I'll just put it down in words for those interested.
We decided to start trying January of this year, which was earlier than planned. After 3 months passed of no luck (it only took 2 months with Hadley) a tiny voice started to speak doubts into my subconscious. I'm convinced every woman trying to conceive has this but it just shows up at different times. I decided I'd at least start tracking the length of my cycle, which has always been irregular and longer than the normal 28 days. May rolled around and we were busy with Hadley's birthday party and Mother's day so I was distracted. On Hadley's birthday I ended up with a bad case of the stomach flu. This also happened to be the earliest week we could take a pregnancy test. I decided I'd take a test on a Wednesday (I had been feeling much better from the flu) and it came back with a positive. I tried to be excited but something inside me said this wasn't quite right, that maybe the test was wrong. I decided to call the Dr. and setup my first appointment the next day. Friday rolled around and the spotting started. I had spotting with Hadley early on so I didn't want to freak out about it, but it did take me by surprise. I waited to call the Dr. because I wanted to see if it was spotting or if it was really going to turn in to more.
Later that afternoon it was starting to turn in to more and I was getting more anxious. I called the Dr.'s office about a half hour before they closed. They had wanted to get me in to the lab for a blood test but I wouldn't be able to before it was closed. The nurse told me to take another test the next morning and then call again on Monday to report back (she also told me what to do in case the situation turned bad). I took another test Saturday morning and it was negative and my cycle ran it's course. I was upset. Honestly, I can't say it was because I was mourning the baby and I don't say that without realizing the sensitivity of the statement. I knew from the beginning something wasn't right. I was upset that yet another month went by without success. My Dr. thought maybe it was just a false positive but the signs were there that I was pregnant. She also said there was a possibility that the fertilized egg never implanted which is extremely common. Many women don't know that because they don't test early enough to realize it.
The next month was full of hot flashes and a screwed up cycle. Just another confirmation that I was pregnant. Since things were out of whack in June we again had no luck. By July I was at the point of giving in to doing more tracking and using an ovulation predictor kit. July and August I started tracking my temperature. I really just wanted to have information to hand to my Dr. in case we decided to go visit her. The temperature method just did not work for me or perhaps it was telling of what was going on. My temperature was all over the place from day to day so it was ineffective in helping me figure out ovulation.
I broke down and bought an ovulation kit in August. That was a huge pain, but I wanted to do what we could. Jon and I decided by August it was time to just go in and have a discussion with my Dr. If something was wrong we might as well have time to figure out if we wanted to fix it or just let nature take it's course. The Dr. couldn't get me in until early September so that allowed me to go through one more cycle. Nothing.
I went to my Dr.'s appointment and handed her all the info I had charted and kept track of. After she looked over everything she came to the decision that I wasn't ovulating efficiently. Most likely I was ovulating too late in my cycle. She gave me a prescription for Clomid, reassuring me I would not become the "octa-mom". I wouldn't be able to start until October.
Jon and I discussed if we wanted to go through with taking the clomid or if it was taking the control out of God's hands. We decided we'd try it out and take it month by month if nothing happened in the first round.
Well, Praise God, we didn't have to take it (even though I had already bought it). We got pregnant that month and the clomid is still sitting on my dresser untouched. That's the timeline of how we got here. There was so much more involved though. Namely, God. That deserves a post in itself. Where was God in this whole situation and how we did or did not allow him to work in our lives will be in a later post!
So the journey for kid #2 wasn't as simple as things were with Hadley. I actually feel guilty and slightly embarrassed to talk about it, at least how I handled it, but I know it will come up and so I'll just put it down in words for those interested.
We decided to start trying January of this year, which was earlier than planned. After 3 months passed of no luck (it only took 2 months with Hadley) a tiny voice started to speak doubts into my subconscious. I'm convinced every woman trying to conceive has this but it just shows up at different times. I decided I'd at least start tracking the length of my cycle, which has always been irregular and longer than the normal 28 days. May rolled around and we were busy with Hadley's birthday party and Mother's day so I was distracted. On Hadley's birthday I ended up with a bad case of the stomach flu. This also happened to be the earliest week we could take a pregnancy test. I decided I'd take a test on a Wednesday (I had been feeling much better from the flu) and it came back with a positive. I tried to be excited but something inside me said this wasn't quite right, that maybe the test was wrong. I decided to call the Dr. and setup my first appointment the next day. Friday rolled around and the spotting started. I had spotting with Hadley early on so I didn't want to freak out about it, but it did take me by surprise. I waited to call the Dr. because I wanted to see if it was spotting or if it was really going to turn in to more.
Later that afternoon it was starting to turn in to more and I was getting more anxious. I called the Dr.'s office about a half hour before they closed. They had wanted to get me in to the lab for a blood test but I wouldn't be able to before it was closed. The nurse told me to take another test the next morning and then call again on Monday to report back (she also told me what to do in case the situation turned bad). I took another test Saturday morning and it was negative and my cycle ran it's course. I was upset. Honestly, I can't say it was because I was mourning the baby and I don't say that without realizing the sensitivity of the statement. I knew from the beginning something wasn't right. I was upset that yet another month went by without success. My Dr. thought maybe it was just a false positive but the signs were there that I was pregnant. She also said there was a possibility that the fertilized egg never implanted which is extremely common. Many women don't know that because they don't test early enough to realize it.
The next month was full of hot flashes and a screwed up cycle. Just another confirmation that I was pregnant. Since things were out of whack in June we again had no luck. By July I was at the point of giving in to doing more tracking and using an ovulation predictor kit. July and August I started tracking my temperature. I really just wanted to have information to hand to my Dr. in case we decided to go visit her. The temperature method just did not work for me or perhaps it was telling of what was going on. My temperature was all over the place from day to day so it was ineffective in helping me figure out ovulation.
I broke down and bought an ovulation kit in August. That was a huge pain, but I wanted to do what we could. Jon and I decided by August it was time to just go in and have a discussion with my Dr. If something was wrong we might as well have time to figure out if we wanted to fix it or just let nature take it's course. The Dr. couldn't get me in until early September so that allowed me to go through one more cycle. Nothing.
I went to my Dr.'s appointment and handed her all the info I had charted and kept track of. After she looked over everything she came to the decision that I wasn't ovulating efficiently. Most likely I was ovulating too late in my cycle. She gave me a prescription for Clomid, reassuring me I would not become the "octa-mom". I wouldn't be able to start until October.
Jon and I discussed if we wanted to go through with taking the clomid or if it was taking the control out of God's hands. We decided we'd try it out and take it month by month if nothing happened in the first round.
Well, Praise God, we didn't have to take it (even though I had already bought it). We got pregnant that month and the clomid is still sitting on my dresser untouched. That's the timeline of how we got here. There was so much more involved though. Namely, God. That deserves a post in itself. Where was God in this whole situation and how we did or did not allow him to work in our lives will be in a later post!
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