It's me time

I'm going to be a little transparent, mainly because putting it into written words helps me overcome it. I'm in a season of life where I just want what I want, not what's really best for me.

Here's a superficial explanation. I've been trying to work out on our elliptical to become more healthy and lose a little weight. I want to sabotage my efforts though by pigging out on junk food. My purpose is not really to sabotage my work but simply because I want to indulge in sugary goodness. Or for instance, I'd like to re-do my entire wardrobe, something that is not at all necessary or being a good steward of our money. That's not so bad, you might say. Again, these are superficial examples.

To get a little deeper and a little more personal, as most may know, we are working in a neighborhood transformation team at church. I just don't want to do it anymore. I have thoughts of wanting to spend my time doing things for me. My passion has been overrun by my selfishness. When I think of serving other people I just have no desire to do it. This is what scares me the most.

I'm really excited about our trip to Costa Rica, Pittsburgh, and even camping. I'm loving it, wishing we spent more time going on trips for ourselves, getting time to do things for ourselves. There are more areas of my life but these are prevalent

I understand there's a delicate balance of taking time for myself and serving others but right now I have no balance. If I take time for myself that's all I want. I'm a giver by nature. I don't say that to boast, in fact it can be seen as a negative thing because I'm such a people- pleaser. I give and then start feeling selfish and entitled. When do I get to take? I do take so I really can't complain. I need to find this balance. Perhaps changing my perspective on things would also help.

Psalm 119:36 - Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain.

An Ode To Hadley

Here are a few of Hadley's quirks caught on film (or pixels). We love her!

Since she was just a few minutes old she likes to lounge, with one leg, usually her left, hanging off to the side. In this particular picture the nurse had moved her leg down to be right next to her other one and she immediately put it back up. Now, some mornings we'll walk in to her room to get her out of her crib and she's got her leg hanging through the rungs.

1 month

10 months

She likes to cover her face while she sleeps. Much like her father. Although I don't think she really does it on purpose, sometimes she'll be awake and not move the blanket until she hears our voices.

9 Months

10 months

Hadley sucks her thumb. Not really a quirk since lots of babies do it but the way she does it is so cute. She has to have something in her hand, usually a blanket. And she usually uses both hands to get situated just right.

9 months

11 months

This may not be too much of quirk either, but when she's around other babies and car seats, she's the only one that will go straight for the buckles. Even if a baby is still strapped in she will play with it.

Of all the shoes in our closet, she chooses these. I wore them for an 80's prom Halloween costume.

When Hadley was first learning to use the sippy cup, she preferred the bottom side. She'd even steal other babies sippy cups and just suck on the bottom. We'd flip it right side up for her and she'd turn it upside down. She's got the hang of it now.

That's all I have for now. I'm sure there are more caught on camera or not. And as she gets older she'll, no doubt, develop new ones. I can't wait to see what those are.....well maybe I can wait. She is a gift from God and we love her to pieces.

Going Places

When I first thought of this new blog title it sounded sort of arrogant, like I was really on a path in life that would supersede anyone else. However, this is not the case at all. I really feel as though God has brought me into a different place in life and is taking me on adventures, some more exciting than others.

I feel I've gone through some of the most difficult times in my life in these past few years. God has taught me He is faithful. He has taught me that I am strong enough with His spirit to walk through the fire. Sometimes the fire seems to last forEVER!

Being a stay at home mom, or just a mom in general has been quite the journey. I sometimes feel like a horrible mom, or an over-protective mom, or the best mom. It all comes and goes. I've learned that I have to be a role-model for this child, even as young as she is. She can certainly pick up on my mood if nothing else. My patience has been tested when it comes to how other people treat me as a mom or my child. It truly is a full-time job mentally, physically, and emotionally, at least for me. I praise God almost hourly for the opportunity.

Being in a writing course I've discovered an ability I never thought was all that great. I still don't think it's great, but I do have enough confidence to move forward. I have confidence in my ability to learn and I suppose that's what's important.

Jon and I have been involved in a ministry that has been trying of my faith in God's work. Not so much His ability to do it, maybe just His ability to do it through us. I've discovered my attitude has become very negative, but I know God can use me so I keep showing up. I also know that if I show up my negative attitude will change. I keep thinking back to all the years I've done missions trips, outreach, etc. I have thoughts of wanting to stop and am reminded God can do great things and I want to be a part of that. Even when I'm tired I'll show up because God showed up for me.

Relationships as an adult have been a journey all it's own. Again, another struggle and many blessings. Relationships with friends, relationships with family, trying to balance mom and wife, the list goes on. My relationship with Christ is on a whole new level, which is awesome!

Needless to say, I have a lot of paths I feel like I'm traveling. Sometimes I have a good idea of where these paths are going to end up but most of the time I really don't. I wish 'going places' implied a life full of fun but either way I know I will grow as a person. Luckily, God is walking with me down each and every one.

Revamp

Ok, I need to redesign my blog. I've got the background I want, books of course. Go ahead and vote on whether you like the new title or quote. If not then you have to comment with a different suggestion (a new title, a new quote, or both). Most of you know me pretty well. Oh and the blog is not just all about books/reading/writing so I need something that can be general. Thanks!

Interviews and Listening

I've got a lot going on that I'd like to blog about. Things that I've heard in recent sermons, thoughts I've had, things going on with Hadley, but as I sit down to write it all out I draw a blank. I've even been keeping notes (as a good writer should) in my iphone as I hear things I'd like to blog about. So here is an update on my writing journey. Maybe I'll do another post this week about one of my many musings.

One of my assignments for the Writer's Guild was to interview someone and write an article based on the interview. I had a hard time choosing between family members, friends, people in the church...the possibilities were endless. I decided to go with one of our pastors. I knew he had gone from working with a software company to working in the church so I thought I'd get his story. I sometimes think I'd like to work in the church in the future, but who knows. Going into the interview I was a little nervous. I'm not the best at keeping conversations alive, especially when it comes to asking questions, but I had done a little prep so I knew where I could guide the conversation if needed.

I don't think it could have gone any better, for my first interview anyway. After over an hour of talking I had realized I needed to get back to my dad who was babysitting for me but I had so many more questions to ask. I didn't need to ask more questions because I had gotten enough information. In fact, it made it a little difficult to weed through all the information to write a brief article. More is always better though. I realize part of the success to the interview was my interview subject. He's very laid back and easy going; a very personable guy. I imagine some people would be difficult to interview. I've been energized ever since about my future in writing. I feel like if writing books doesn't pan out I can always write articles. I enjoy sitting and listening to other people's stories, it's not something I do often and not something I ever thought I was good at. Sure it probably helped that I recorded the interview so I could go back and verify quotes, but getting to know someone through that brief encounter was very fulfilling and very much a blessing.

I started to think of all the people around me and all the different experiences they've been through. What amazing stories I'm sure they all have. It would take a while to write about all of them but I'm starting with my grandparents and hoping to get to some friends and other church members. These are people I respect so much, however in many different ways. If I do it for nothing else than self-gratification and the legacy for our family I'd be happy. I started interviewing my grandma a little last night. I got some basic info from her, like what her parents did for work, did she have any other family that lived in town. I knew she had grown up in Tucson just like I did so I was interested to hear the changes the city had gone through and her experiences. I think I got about 30 minutes of information out of our conversation but I've already learned so much about her.

These experiences have created a desire in me to learn more about other people and ultimately become a better listener. The hardest part for me really is to remember everything, but recording it and writing things down helps. The art of listening has really been lost in our society and that's unfortunate. We could learn so much from each other if we just took time to listen. "One man's junk is another man's treasure," yet another lesson I've learned. People might think their life is boring or so messed up no one would really care to hear it, but I think we can learn so much from each other even in the boring stuff or the negative stuff so don't be afraid to share.

This week take some time to really LISTEN to someone. Their story might surprise you!

13 months

While not many BIG things have happened in this last month, Hadley is growing up. Sometimes I look at her and see an actual grown up person, like an adult. It's only for a fleeting moment which is broken by her babbling but I see such a cute, smart, curious, independent girl.

Hadley has grown a little more picky in eating. Although we try the different foods several times and eventually she likes most of it. Eating has been a time of learning for us all as she has exhibited more of her strong will by screeching to get what she wants. We are continuously working to figure out how to teach her manners. I know at some point she'll get it, we just have to be consistent. She has grown to LOVE regular milk, in fact we have to keep it out of sight most of the day, otherwise she'd just fill up on it. Truly her daddy's girl. Between the 2 of them we will definitely need to buy our own cow.

She loves to play by throwing all her toys out of the toy box, help with laundry by throwing it on the floor, clean her room by emptying her book case...do you see the pattern? I love it all though because if I walk in and catch her doing it, she looks at me with the biggest smile on her face!

She has shown a new appreciation for her books. With each page it's as if she's really soaking up the story or pictures. Hadley has grown attached to a particular blanket and of course it's a big one so I'll need to cut it up to prevent any injuries from carrying it around. She has taken to the Linus way of life with that blanket. 'Hi' has become her new word besides 'Dada'. We're trying to teach her new words but she loves those two so we'll let her wear them out.

We've been doing swim lessons which have gone fairly well. The pool tends to be a little cold sometimes and I think that ruins it. She especially does not like to be dunked under water. There were a few days where she was able to play in the shallow end where she could stand up (the pool has a beach entrance) and she loved that. She would even dunk herself, although not really intentionally, and didn't have a problem with it. Luckily, her BFF Julie, was able to get in to the same swim class and they endure the fun (or torture) together.

Most people have seen the video of Hadley taking her first steps unaided. She was playing with a friends car keys and just started shuffling across the floor. I really don't think she realized what she was doing, she was just so caught up with the keys. Since then she has taken very few steps on her own but she at least seems to be walking more even while holding on, so I'm thinking she's realized that walking is another form of mobilization. I imagine it will be soon when she starts to walk more and more. It may also help that she was promoted to her new nursery class at church and is now surrounded by more walkers.

This week Jon and I will be going on a much needed double date with some good friends of ours to the Gaslight theatre and Hadley will be spending the night, like overnight, with my parents. This will be her second time doing it and while I will still miss her like crazy I am definitely having an easier time with it. I'm looking to appreciate the brief break. I often don't feel like I NEED a break (although I know I will at some point), but I realize it would be good as Hadley gets older to let her be with other people without us. I'm not worried about anything, I'll just miss seeing her first thing in the morning!

Contentment

Ahhhhh contentment, how you elude me as the cockroaches elude the light.

Your joy is like that of a lazy dog resting at his masters feet.

Your ability to seize each moment baffles those who notice.

Ahhhhh, contentment, never wanting more.

Even the birds of the air seek more for their nests,

Yet you have somehow decided you have enough.

In fact should you get more, you'd most likely reject it.

I hear you smugly say, "No thank you sir, none for me." Perhaps in a British accent.

I imagine your home in a far away land,

Where Jenny Craig cannot tell you you need a better body,

Target cannot send their luring mailers with the latest and greatest,

And where Budweiser can't throw parties with fancy boats and sexy party guests.

My world tells me you are esoteric, unattainable, or even nonexistent.

But I see you, I've even met you.

I'll catch you again, one of these days.

When that day comes I will be King of the Mountain!

I will push down, knock down, and step on the fingers of all those who attempt to defeat me.

All those TV ads will try to infiltrate my troops, they will fail.

Magazines will attempt to find a weak spot in my fortress and they shall be met with great force.

Billboards' laser beams will be intercepted by my force field.

No lie of needing more shall penetrate my armor of contentment.

Conceivably, that day is today!