Being In the world but not Of the World

This has been a topic of discussion with our life group lately. We're reading through the book, Radical by David Platt. I'll say it has been challenging to read. At least within our life group, the book did not receive raving reviews in the very beginning but I think as we read on people are starting to connect with the author. I will admit, personally, while I understand what he was trying to prove with his international examples of people risking their lives for Christ, it was a distraction to know how I can live radically in America. Perhaps it'd be best put as his relevant points were clouded by irrelevant examples. This point is selfish. When I read a book about living for Christ I want to know what it means for me and if I can't relate to people meeting in secret I don't see the point. This way of thinking may not be the best, but I will admit that is my initial reaction. Just like most of us go to church and say, "This church is not meeting MY needs." So we start the church hop. Or we say, "How does this scripture apply to MY life?"

Our latest discussion was on God being our main source for power. We read through the usual verses of being connected to the vine, who is God, and producing fruit or being pruned and cut off. As most discussions we went in a few different directions but one in particular seemed to spark some varying thoughts. What does it look like to "bear good fruit?" Non-Christians can still be good people and do good things. How can you really tell they are of God? How can others tell we, Christians, are of God and producing spirit-filled fruit? How can we be relevant without being worldly?

Oddly enough, this had come up around Christmas time also. What is an appropriate way for Christians to celebrate Christmas? Should we allow Santa to be part of our Christmas celebration or is that a distraction from Jesus? What about putting up decorations for Christmas?

My initial thought is we need to know what's going on in the world around us to be able to be relevant. I am not suggesting we need to try drugs in order to minister to addicts, but shelter ourselves or even deny that drugs are a part of our society is ignorant. Jesus knew what the Jews were up against when it came to being a slave to The Law and religious rituals. He often used that, as did Paul and the other disciples to minister to those around him. Paul was very good at knowing his audience and speaking to their desires and needs (i.e. Acts 20-28). However, he did not partake in the sinful nature of it. Most modern-day missionaries go through months of training and a year or more of living in a culture to learn how those people live. The history of Christian missionaries has been less than perfect because while they try to convert others to Christianity they simultaneously tried to Americanize them. The difference between living in and being part of that culture is missionaries do not take part in the witchcraft or other religious ceremonies that are against God, they also do not abuse or kill "in the name of God" as so many other religious fanatics do.

So what does this mean for us in America? What is going to make us different? What sets us apart from others in society? Should we not be watching TV? Over half of the shows on TV are far from honoring to God. What about movies and music? I've heard a lot of songs that could be considered wholesome yet they mention nothing of God? What about buying "stuff?" If we fill our homes with furniture, small kitchen appliances, clothes, and decorative items are we being slaves to materialism? Would it not speak volumes to those who came to our house and asked why it was so empty to say we place our hope in the things of God and not material things that will fade?

How can we be relevant and radical in our living as a disciple of Christ?

Questions and Decisions

This might be short and lacking in sustenance, but bear with me. I feel as though God is leading me on a new journey. Perhaps it's more of a revisit of a journey I've already been on, but at a different level. What do I believe? I can make a long post out of that. I know of a lot of truths I believe. That's not my quest. More specifically, at this moment, I feel like God is asking me to reexamine where I stand on theological issues. I don't intend to find concrete answers because I know, as previously sought after, they don't exist. However, I need to reconsider what about those theological issues is important to God.

I know a portion of this is to include prayer for wisdom and guidance and time reading through the Bible. Part of this will also include looking at books written by C.S. Lewis and Rob Bell. Yes, I'm jumping on the bandwagon to see why Bell's book, among so many others, has come to the forefront of controversy.

So I'm starting with C.S. Lewis' book, The Great Divorce. It's fictional but in the preface Lewis states his intentions were to share some morals with his readers and additionally, I think, give a glimpse of what he believed. I know that I'll be reading things written by imperfect humans so I will approach them with caution and ask God to share his heart on the matter.

It's going to be a long slow process. I certainly can't commit to a blog every week about it and maybe not even every month but it'll be peppered throughout. I appreciate other's respectful, lovingly-put, thoughts on matters.

So here is where I begin: From The Great Divorce, by C.S Lewis

"We are not living in a world where all roads are radii of a circle and where all, if followed long enough, will therefore draw gradually nearer and finally meet at the centre: rather in a world where every road, after a few miles, forks into two, and each of those into two again, and at each fork you must make a decision. Even on the biological level life is not like a river but like a tree. It does not move towards unity but away from it and the creatures grow further apart as they increase in perfection. Good, as it ripens, becomes continually more different not only from evil but from other good."

Baby #2 - Allowing God In

In my previous post I had mentioned the doubt I was starting to experience. This doubt was being directed at God and all the usual questions came out:
"Why is this happening to us?"
"Will we even be able to have another biological child?"
"What did we do to deserve this?"
"Why can an irresponsible teenager or drug addict get pregnant immediately, but we can't?"

I was so mad at myself for these questions because I know God is a sovereign God and he takes care of us so I didn't want to question his love or desires for us. I felt like I was throwing my trust in him out the window. These questions might be natural but I don't believe it's the response God wants from us.

I worked hard every day to keep my mind focused on the promises God has given us. I knew he was in control and his plan was far greater than what I could have planned. I can say I had some good days but there were also some bad days. For the most part each month I continued to have hope we would get pregnant that month. Once my period started I became angry and sad (perhaps partly due to hormones). Then I'd hope again and then I'd get angry again. It was wearing. I was tired of hoping and then having it crushed. As each month went by of course, things became harder for me emotionally. Overall I think I did ok, but I won't lie, I had gotten to a point where I figured we were not going to be able to get pregnant.

What's the big deal? It takes most couples a year to get pregnant. I think what made it hard for me was how easy things went with Hadley, I knew things worked then. What happened in the last two years? I had a positive test in May, so we had gotten close but again, nothing. I'm only 29. It just wasn't making sense. I know there are an array of possibilities and so I thought I may need to change my expectations.

I did feel like come August and September God had given me peace. There were still little moments of anger or sadness but overall I had just become tired of worrying and being on the roller coaster I had given up control.

Or at least I thought. After talking with my Dr. and getting the prescription for Clomid we really struggled with going through any infertility treatment because in a sense it felt like we were taking the control out of God's hands. Please let me honestly say I do not judge others for using infertility treatments. Just like adoption, I think it has to be a personal decision. I know people say if you had cancer you'd get treatment so what's the difference with infertility treatment? One saves lives and one creates life, but apart from that I can't really explain why it would be different for us. I also think it was harder for us to be ok with infertility treatments because we already had one child and we took time to pray about how we felt God wanted our family to look. If we hadn't had ANY children perhaps things would have been different.

We had been asked about adoption. At the time we were not ready to consider it. It didn't seem like an option for us but I think there are several reasons for that. One, we weren't positive we couldn't have another kid and since we only wanted two children we didn't think continuing to try and also looking in to adoption was the right direction. Second, if we had been told no more biological children I can say we would have gone to God and sought his will in terms of adoption. I think then, and only then we could have been appropriately ready to adopt a child in to our family. Of course we had concerns of the whole process, I think most people do, that's why we'd want to be in prayer about how to handle those.

Throughout this experience I have certainly gained a whole new perspective for those who experience infertility. As I read and researched things I began to understand EVERY SINGLE SITUATION IS DIFFERENT. I could not find one similar to ours (not that we experienced true infertility) and it seemed like every story had something different. I realized the emotions and how hard it is to deal with others when you're going through it. Even though there were people who didn't know we were trying their comments about "when are you having another kid?" was still hard to hear. I may or may not have wanted to scream at them, "WE'RE TRYING!" I know they meant no harm and so I had to check my attitude about it. It was also hard to hear from those who knew, "Don't worry it'll happen." Because I know for so many people it doesn't happen. Again, I know they were trying to be encouraging so I had to put aside my attitude. I urge those who have not struggled when it comes to having kids, please be sensitive even when innocently asking if a couple will have another child.

I will say I praise God for the opportunity to have experienced that. Not only to understand what others go through but also to have time with God. I'm glad I went through it all with Jon too, he was an amazing support and partner in it all.

Baby #2 - The timeline

So the news is out.....we're welcoming another little baby into our family in early June. June 9th is the due date but Hadley was two and a half weeks early so perhaps this one will be too. We're excited! Jon and I have always wanted to have two kids and feel blessed God has fulfilled those dreams for us.

So the journey for kid #2 wasn't as simple as things were with Hadley. I actually feel guilty and slightly embarrassed to talk about it, at least how I handled it, but I know it will come up and so I'll just put it down in words for those interested.

We decided to start trying January of this year, which was earlier than planned. After 3 months passed of no luck (it only took 2 months with Hadley) a tiny voice started to speak doubts into my subconscious. I'm convinced every woman trying to conceive has this but it just shows up at different times. I decided I'd at least start tracking the length of my cycle, which has always been irregular and longer than the normal 28 days. May rolled around and we were busy with Hadley's birthday party and Mother's day so I was distracted. On Hadley's birthday I ended up with a bad case of the stomach flu. This also happened to be the earliest week we could take a pregnancy test. I decided I'd take a test on a Wednesday (I had been feeling much better from the flu) and it came back with a positive. I tried to be excited but something inside me said this wasn't quite right, that maybe the test was wrong. I decided to call the Dr. and setup my first appointment the next day. Friday rolled around and the spotting started. I had spotting with Hadley early on so I didn't want to freak out about it, but it did take me by surprise. I waited to call the Dr. because I wanted to see if it was spotting or if it was really going to turn in to more.

Later that afternoon it was starting to turn in to more and I was getting more anxious. I called the Dr.'s office about a half hour before they closed. They had wanted to get me in to the lab for a blood test but I wouldn't be able to before it was closed. The nurse told me to take another test the next morning and then call again on Monday to report back (she also told me what to do in case the situation turned bad). I took another test Saturday morning and it was negative and my cycle ran it's course.  I was upset. Honestly, I can't say it was because I was mourning the baby and I don't say that without realizing the sensitivity of the statement. I knew from the beginning something wasn't right. I was upset that yet another month went by without success. My Dr. thought maybe it was just a false positive but the signs were there that I was pregnant. She also said there was a possibility that the fertilized egg never implanted which is extremely common. Many women don't know that because they don't test early enough to realize it.

The next month was full of hot flashes and a screwed up cycle. Just another confirmation that I was  pregnant.  Since things were out of whack in June we again had no luck. By July I was at the point of giving in to doing more tracking and using an ovulation predictor kit. July and August I started tracking my temperature. I really just wanted to have information to hand to my Dr. in case we decided to go visit her. The temperature method just did not work for me or perhaps it was telling of what was going on. My temperature was all over the place from day to day so it was ineffective in helping me figure out ovulation.

I broke down and bought an ovulation kit in August. That was a huge pain, but I wanted to do what we could. Jon and I decided by August it was time to just go in and have a discussion with my Dr. If something was wrong we might as well have time to figure out if we wanted to fix it or just let nature take it's course. The Dr. couldn't get me in until early September so that allowed me to go through one more cycle. Nothing.

I went to my Dr.'s appointment and handed her all the info I had charted and kept track of. After she looked over everything she came to the decision that I wasn't ovulating efficiently. Most likely I was ovulating too late in my cycle. She gave me a prescription for Clomid, reassuring me I would not become the "octa-mom". I wouldn't be able to start until October.

Jon and I discussed if we wanted to go through with taking the clomid or if it was taking the control out of God's hands. We decided we'd try it out and take it month by month if nothing happened in the first round.

Well, Praise God, we didn't have to take it (even though I had already bought it). We got pregnant that month and the clomid is still sitting on my dresser untouched. That's the timeline of how we got here. There was so much more involved though. Namely, God. That deserves a post in itself. Where was God in this whole situation and how we did or did not allow him to work in our lives will be in a later post!

Something To Belong To

I'm always annoyed to hear about more protests on the news. Then begins the slew of angry, argumentative conversations and pictures on Facebook. Jon and I saw the beginnings of the Wall St. protest and really half of the people there had no idea what was going on, that was obvious.

I'm not the most informed person when it comes to politics, I'll admit that. What becomes frustrating is people's entitlement and need to complain without action. Protests are a form of action but if you're upset about how banks handle things, take your money out, keep your money in a jar buried in your backyard. When did people start continually supporting mediocrity or anything less? Words mean nothing, action means everything. By the way, where do all those protesters get their poster boards, markers, and blue tarps for sleeping in a park to protest with?

There's me on my soapbox. To my point....

After my initial reactions of frustration I start to sadly realize people are dying to belong to a cause. On the surface we can say we're protesting greed, which might be true, but in reality we want to belong to something that makes a difference. We don't like how things are going and we want to help make a change for the better so we jump on the first bandwagon idea.

I know God created us to have a longing for him and when we refuse to be in a relationship with him we search to belong to something. It starts with easy things like groups at school or work, then it moves into larger scale gatherings such as the political protests, but no real action or change happens because I believe people are focused on the wrong things. They are chasing after futile outcomes. Now I know it can be argued the civil rights movement has had a lasting effect and to a point I agree. Things are still very imperfect among races but what if instead of spending time on protests we spent time seeking after God? Seeking to love each other as God loves us? Would there be any need for protests against how people are treated? If instead of spending hours on a street corner protesting greed we all took a look at how we are spending the resources God has entrusted us with and start using those to serve each other.

The world is imperfect and even if we spent our time seeking after God there would still be problems. That's just life as it is. I really do believe more change, more transformation can take place if we spent our time radically living a life Jesus has called us to live and less time protesting the evil things in this world.

*Side note: I'm not looking to argue with people on specific topics of protests. I am willing to read respectful comments and/or disagreements on the idea of wanting to belong to something.

New York City, continued

Tuesday we were up bright and early, just because we're early risers. Our first stop on the list was Central park so we decided to head in that direction and look for a place to eat breakfast. We couldn't find one right away so we walked through Central Park for a bit, saw Bow Bridge, which is apparently the most romantic bridge around, then headed back in to the city for breakfast. After walking around the area for a good 20 minutes without much luck we just decided to head to our next stop which was Battery Park. We'd look for food over there.

A view from Central Park

As soon as we emerged from the subway we saw a cafe on the corner called George's. We ate breakfast there which was just your typical egg, toast, hashbrown, and bacon kind of place. It was good enough since we were starving by this point. We walked over to Battery Park and found a good viewing spot for the Statue of Liberty. I was really bummed we couldn't go see it (we didn't have the time and I think it's closed for a while) but at least I saw it in the distance. It's quite large.

Statue of Liberty from Battery Park

After Battery Park we went to Wall St. When we got there we were a little confused because there were so many streets fenced off and it wasn't obvious where any of the famous landmarks were. We walked around for a bit and finally found the New York Stock Exchange building which was pretty. We also found the Trump Building (we have some funny pictures to show once we do a little photoshop) and a building with a George Washington Statue outside. There were a lot of people walking around in their business suits with places to go, stocks to buy and sell. Here the buildings were really close together it was crazy. We also saw the start of the Wall St. Protest. The funny thing was all those sleeping in the park nearby had bright blue tarps, all looked brand new and Jon and I joked they probably picked them up at Wal-Mart or some other large corporate store.

New York Stock Exchange

We had planned to eat lunch at a hot dog stand on the sidewalk but it was a little early for lunch and we were so tired of walking we wanted to find a place to sit down. We decided we'd wait for lunch and head over to the 9/11 memorial early. You have to reserve your tickets ahead of time or if you're lucky buy some just prior to entering. We had a 45 minute wait before we could get in the memorial so we found a place to sit and waited it out.

The 9/11 memorial was perhaps my favorite place we visited. After waiting in line we were directed through security (which was exactly like airport security but without complaining...it was kind of weird.) There was a lot of construction still going on where the towers were so after walking through a line of fences we walked into the open area of the memorial. It was very simple. We walked first over to the South Pool. These pools were so enormous and breathtaking. The noise of the water falling seemed to drown out most other noises. There were flowers and flags placed at specific names. There were a few tears as I thought of all the people who rushed in to the danger, all the family members who left behind small children and spouses, and ultimately the names followed by, "and her unborn child." A couple asked Jon to take their picture in front of one of the pools and we talked later about how it was a little weird to be smiling in a picture in a place where such death and destruction had taken place.  There was a small museum in a gift shop as you exited the memorial. The real museum has not yet been finished.

The South Pool

The North Pool

Freedom Tower

From the memorial we headed to China Town and Little Italy for lunch before the leaving the Big Apple. As soon as we got off the subway there was Chinese writing on every single building. It really felt like we were in a different country. Then we simply turned left on to one street and all of a sudden it was Little Italy. We looked up a restaurant on Urban Spoon and had a delicious plate of Chicken Parm. We then hit up a quaint Italian Bakery on our way out and had some DELICIOUS dessert. Jon got a slice of Tiramisu and I got a chocolate mousse dessert. Yum! I could have stayed there and had a few more desserts.

Little Italy

China Town

We headed back to Penn Station, or so we thought. We caught the wrong subway and went in the opposite direction but we had plenty of time to find the right one and head back. We got to Penn Station in time to catch an early train so we paid a little extra and headed back to Albany early.

We got back to the house at about 8:30. Ate some pizza and went to bed. We left for home the next morning.

Jon and I enjoyed our time in New York. It was kind of like a novelty seeing all the famous places. There are so many in one spot. Everything is so expensive though and there are so many people I really couldn't imagine living there of my own free will. We also talked about not really wanting to go back. For what? I told Jon the only reason I'd like to go back is to actually visit the Statue of Liberty, see the wall of names at Ellis Island because I have family members listed there, and perhaps go to a Broadway show. I'm glad we got to visit.

New York City

Monday morning Jon and I headed to back to Albany to catch a train to the city. We had a rental car and were going to return it at the airport and then catch a cab to the train station.....until we realized it would cost us $40 to do that. So Jon's dad kindly let us take his truck to park at the train station so we could then drive ourselves back to their house after our trip to the City. We left Hadley at the house, much to her chagrin. She kept saying, "I wanna go!" like she was being left out. It was kind of sad.

We made it on the right train!

I drove the truck and Jon drove the rental car in front of me with the GPS system. Well we were in Albany, on toll roads which are totally foreign to me, when the GPS decided to take forever to update. As soon as it did Jon saw we needed to be exiting right that second. So in the little rental car he zipped over to the exit and I kept driving on since the truck can't really just zip over two lanes to an exit. Thus I became lost in Albany with about an hour and half to get to the train. After several frustrating attempts to get myself to the airport I was starting to give up and to stop and ask for directions. I didn't have any cash on my for toll roads and so I was nervous about getting on the highway only to find out I had to pay. Finally I saw a sign for the highway and decided I'd just get on and see where it took me. Luckily, it took me to the airport without having to pay any tolls. I picked up Jon and we made it to the train station with time to spare.

It was our first time on a commuter train and we had no idea what we were doing.  They wait until 10 minutes before the train departs to announce which gate to go to. We were nervous we would miss it but we made it. The seats had so much space it made airplanes look like miniature toys. The train followed the Hudson river south to New York city and we got to see a lot of the country. We even saw a Bald Eagle with a fish in its talons about 20 yards from the train, it was pretty cool. Two and a half hours later we arrived in Penn Station.

From Penn Station we started our adventure. We stopped at Eataly for lunch because we were STARVING. We had no idea what the place was like so when we sat down at the first table we could find it happened to be a menu of only seafood and vegetarian plates. Ummm what? We then figured out this place was a farmer's market with several little restaurants in it. We got up from the table and headed over to the Pizza and Panini's restaurant which had a 30 minute wait. Go figure. We were going to walk around while we waited and discovered a fancy restaurant that had immediate seating so we just went with that. Probably not the best decision either as we couldn't really decipher the menu and I ended up ordering raw beef. It didn't taste bad, it was sliced thin like prosciutto, but not filling at all and not what I wanted. Jon traded with me and we ended up mostly sharing his dish which was some sort of Gnocchi. It was good but not great.

From Eataly we went to the Subway and purchased our Metro Card and headed over to 5th Ave to FAO Schwarz. The subway took some getting used to. We quickly learned to check we were going in the right direction before swiping our metro card. The weather was cold and dark but not raining yet. As we headed in to FAO Schwarz we saw two guys not trying to hide they were dressed and acting like women. Only in New York. We enjoyed walking around looking at all the toys, giant candy, lego statues, and of course the big piano. We decided to get Hadley a souvenir from there and ended up buying her a sequin covered coin purse in the shape of an M&M (her favorite candy) and an FAO Schwarz shirt.

Our first subway ride

Playing on the big piano

We headed from there down to Rockefeller Plaza, seeing all the famous 5th Ave shops on the way. Once in Rockefeller Plaza we visited the Lego Store and took a lot of pictures of the area. We then walked to our hotel to check in. On the way we saw a store strictly devoted to M&M's right down the street from our hotel. We stopped in but saw nothing of worth to buy.

Rockefeller Plaza

Making my own mini-lego man

We checked in to the Belvedere Hotel near Times Square and rested for about an hour before heading back out. On our way to dinner it started to rain so we had to stop for an umbrella. We had quite the ride and walk to dinner down in Brooklyn but the dinner at Grimaldi's Pizza was FANTASTIC! It was a small hole in the wall that didn't accept checks or credit cards and made their own mozzarella cheese. It rained the whole time we ate dinner and then stopped as we were about to walk to the Brooklyn Bridge.

Delicious Pizza

The Brooklyn Bridge was a great place to be at night with all the lights of the city. Part of the bridge was under construction so it obscured our view somewhat but still nice. Jon took a lot of great pictures and got the chance to yell back at a cyclist who called him stupid. A great New York experience. We decided it was time to head to Times Square and on the way we stopped at Grand Central Station.

Brooklyn Bridge

There wasn't anything exciting at Grand Central Station, it was just a big, beautiful building to look at.

Grand Central Station

We hit up Times Square with all it's flashing lights. Nothing real special. We bought a few souvenirs and headed back to our hotel. We were beat! Our feet hurt and our legs were tired.

Day 2 in another post.....