Parenting

Jon and I have just finished a 7-week parenting class called Love and Logic. I know several times I've posted on FB how much I've learned in the class. In fact I wish I had taken this as a new teacher, it would have saved me a lot of energy, tears, and frustration as well as helped build better relationships with my students. In a world of entitled, spoiled kids it was difficult to teach them respect and kindness. Just having a few of the different phrases Love and Logic offers would have made a world of difference for me and I believe for my students too. But alas, that is the past. If I ever go back in to teaching I know how to use it all. The great part is they actually have an entire set of curriculum just for educators. I now have my own child to focus on.

Here are some basic tips we learned from the class:

- Give children lots of options when appropriate so when you have to make a choice for them (i.e. for their safety) they are willing to go along with you. Say, "We usually give you a lot of choices right? Like we let you choose what to wear, what to eat, etc.? Well there are times were we need to make decisions for you and this is one of those times. Ok?" There are rules on giving choices that are discussed in class, because obviously not all situations are ripe for giving a child options.

- Give heavy doses of empathy. They caution against the empathy sounding like sarcasm. Not only does this let the child know you care about what they are experiencing in the situation but it also helps the parent control their anger. You don't want the child to focus on how angry you are, you want them to focus on the issue. Say, "Oh how sad....."

- Let the consequences do the teaching. The overall idea of this parenting technique is letting your children essentially fail at a young age when the consequences are small so when they become adults they are better at thinking for themselves, predicting consequences, and accepting responsibility.

- It's ok to delay consequences, especially if you need time to think of one. Make sure you give yourself and your child a deadline for a consequence. Say, "We'll talk about this later, but don't worry about it. " or "Don't worry I'll take care of it." (There is still a consequence when the parent has to take care of something for the child).

- Allow the child to think of ways to solve a problem. a) Give a dose of empathy; b) send a power message, "what do you think you are going to do about it?" c) Offer choices of what "other" kids might do. d) have the child state the consequences of each choice. e) Give permission for the child to either solve the problem or not solve the problem, "Good luck, I hope it works out." This process has so many positive impacts on a child.

- Use enforceable statements. Say, "You're welcome to go outside as soon as you finish your homework." or "Feel free to go over to your friends house once your room is clean." It avoids the buzz word, "no" that most children will latch on to and argue with you about.

What Love and Logic is NOT about -- Reminding children over and over again to get something done, lecturing children on what they did wrong, spending energy worrying or fixing the problems your child creates (aka enabling), angry and yelling parents.

These tips we learned are summarized and certainly not exhaustive. There are guidelines to follow to make each part of the process a success. The only way to successfully implement this and feel encouraged to do it is to attend a class. While Jon and I were always wanting the same for our children it's a whole different ball game to execute discipline and consequences to help our children get there. I feel like this has given Jon and I a concrete structure to follow so we are on the same page with how to handle situations. I like that each process they offer, like allowing the child to solve the problem, is general enough to use for a variety of situations. So one strategy doesn't work just for dinner time issues. I'm not worrying about what to do when situation A happens because we have an outline to follow for situations A, B, & C.

Of course we can't implement everything at this moment with Hadley. A 2 year old can't really solve all her own problems but we are letting the consequences do the teaching. Tomorrow I'll share a strategy we are already implementing with Hadley.

PS - If you are interested in taking this class our church, Pantano Christian Church, offers it about 3 times throughout the year and it does not have anything to do with religious or spiritual issues, although it does fit well with biblical teachings. So don't worry about being preached at or about being a member of our church, it's open to anyone. It also doesn't matter what age your children are, and frankly if you're a new teacher or seasoned teacher (without kids) interested in taking it for your students, I'd sign up!