Burn Out

** WARNING: Complaining ahead!**

In my years of youth group I became really involved in outreach. I will admit my initial motivation was for the social aspect. I wanted to go hang out with friends. Don't get me wrong, I also wanted to help people but that certainly was not my primary motive. My first year of junior high youth group I was able to go to Tiajuana with a small group of students and some adults to cook for about 700 people building houses with Amor Ministries. We had a blast! There was a team of about 12 of us (including adults) and we cooked and we cooked and we cooked. We'd take turns waking up before light to start breakfast or stay up late cleaning up dinner. That's a story for another time. My point is I learned really fast the ups and downs of ministry on that week long trip. There were students from Kentucky, California, Texas, Kansas...all over, and I can't tell you how rude they were about food. I was so disappointed. I figured after a hard day of physical labor, serving those less fortunate, they'd take anything they could get. I was wrong. I felt like I was working at a buffet-style Subway. (Side note: some of the Kentucky kids didn't know what to do with salsa. What????) There were a handful of grateful, sweet people who truly appreciated a warm meal. I wasn't looking for people to 'thank' our team, but I also wasn't looking for special orders and rude comments. Sadly I've seen this same attitude in people who go down to Rocky Point with our church, every year for the last 11 years I've gone.

Jon and I met working as leaders in the College group at Pantano. There were 4 of us "college-age" leaders and the youth pastor. It had been a while since a college group had existed at Pantano so we were building it from scratch. The group itself was easy to start as a lot of students from youth group still wanted to hang out so it was a natural transition. We then had to start deciding on where we wanted to go with the group. We started a bible study that was led mostly by me at first, willingly and happily, we did a lot of social events and even went on a missions trip to Toronto (pre-Jon; actually it was right after we all graduated high school, but it was the same group of people.) People started complaining about the bible study for lots of different reasons. So to fix this I created a short survey that could be done anonymously and only about half of the people filled it out; 3/4 of those were actually serious about what they put down. Funny enough, the results yielded that no one really had issues with how things were going and no one wanted to step up and change anything. So we continued on as normal...and so did the grumbling. We grew a lot and had a lot of good times. The group continued but changes were made as people came and went. It was a little difficult to find people to serve on the leadership team. Jon and I got married, as did the other leaders and so we didn't really fit in the group anymore. New pastors came and I believe the group is no longer in existence...although I could be wrong.

Fast forward to today: Jon and I are part of a great Young Marrieds life group and a Neighborhood Transformation Team working in the Fairgrounds Neighborhood in South Tucson. Both groups have been great and both groups have had it's challenges. Our Young Marrieds Life Group has had to deal with the making decisions on where we wanted to go and how we wanted to handle continue growing. Both were difficult situations. For me, being a people pleaser, I wanted everyone to be happy. I should know that's never going to happen. Jon and I kind of took the lead on handling new couples in the group and we've certainly learned some things. While we felt God leading us to include new couples I do regret how we handled certain situations but I know we learned a valuable lesson. There are times where I still feel like maybe we're not doing things the right way. I suppose there isn't a right way and the only way to learn is by trial and error. I know I'd rather say, "We did it and failed." then, "We didn't do it." We're now trying to get a new "young marrieds" group going and it's been difficult from the start. We only have one couple that's shown up and that will probably be it. The problem was we didn't plan on just having one couple, at least I didn't. I thought we'd either have 0 couples or enough couples to get a new group going. Now with 1 couple we have to make some more decisions. We're so glad this couple has showed up and hope the group will benefit them just as much as it has others. Again, I don't regret doing this, but perhaps I could have had different expectations or done things differently.

Our Neighborhood Team...well it's been an experiment. Jon and I were part of the first group to try out this program. The intentions were there, the right motivations were there, we had a plan and yet it all backfired on us. It's been 3 years now, Jon and I were put in the leadership position and I'm burnt out. We've gone about this from several different angles and have met road blocks at each one. We're on our last leg and while we haven't necessarily met any roadblocks I also don't know where to go from here. Many people on our team have backed out or lessened their involvement so it's been pretty much Jon and I keeping this going. It's hard to recruit for it because we feel it's not often mentioned in church so people don't know about it. We have a ministry table but even those people who stop by and ask questions realize they don't want to put in the effort.

I've surmised two things from writing this all out: 1) I need to depend on God more (and humans less) to work through these ministries. 2) I need a change of perspective. Outreach has been a passion of mine for a long time and to now feel burnt out and frustrated with it scares me. I know if I quit serving I become self-centered and lazy in my relationship with Christ. I don't want that but I also want to take a break. I've been praying about this for the past 5 months at least and still feel like if I've lost the drive and passion and focus it takes to do ministry then I probably shouldn't be doing it. A lot of it I'm now doing out of obligation, which creates resentment and frustration. All of these ministries are very hard for me to walk away from. (Don't worry friends I'm not leaving YM, just wanting to step out of the role we have). I've always felt like I was given the gift of Apostleship where I help start new ministries and then move on. It's hard to move on when others don't appear available or willing to take on the ministry. I don't want to be a person who gives up, but I also don't want to be naive to reality and unable to say when something is not working.

This has been on my heart for a while, it's something I'm praying about daily and asking God for guidance and wisdom. I know it's a lot of complaining. I've put myself in these situations and have enjoyed them despite what it may seem. I've realized ministry can be lonely as far as human relationships go. It's not for the weak or lazy. It's a place to grow and learn; to trust fully in God. I hope and pray you are serving in a ministry where you are fully trusting in God to use you, it's an awesome place to be.