Overload

My brain is overloaded. Have you ever been there? You've processed so much that you think one more firing of a synapse and your brain might possibly just shut down. I'm not talking about information overload so much, although that too can take it's toll. This kind of overload calls in the emotions. You start to question if you really might be taking crazy pills (Zoolander reference). You feel as though your very being is calling into question the existence of itself. There are brief moments where I think I just might wake up and be like Jim Carrey in the movie, The Truman Show, realizing it's all just a hoax. My brain and my soul feel like they are waging a war against each other.

For me this time comes when I get stuck in those gray areas of life. Where morals seem to get blurry and opinions are being thrown around. A place where life becomes a game of "he said, she said." My soul feels torn in these moments. I question God. I don't question His existence or His sovereignty. I question Him on the why's, on the when's, and the how's. I suppose that's a silver lining in it all, I converse with my Heavenly Father. Being a phlegmatic, I sometimes would rather not have the freedom God has given us, I'd rather He just take control so I wouldn't have to worry about the ups and downs of life. (Reality check, I know this plan wouldn't work but it's something I think about.)

These are times when people seem so irrational in their thinking, I don't even know how to respond. These are times when people start arguing over politics. These are times when I am made to feel guilty for something absolutely ridiculous. These are times when someone asks me a question that may possibly be a deal breaker for them in their salvation but in reality should have no bearing on it at all. These are the times when I start to think I'm better than others.

The human in me wants to give up. The human in me wants to yell right back or post a status update on Facebook that will really stick it to them. The human in me stops caring what other people think. The human in me wants people to get what's coming to them. The human in me tells me I've failed. The human in me is selfish and unloving.

The Spirit in me cries for the hurting souls. The Spirit in me keeps going and keeps trying. The Spirit in me seeks to make amends. The Spirit in me helps me look to God for answers. The Spirit in me guides me in daily decisions. The Spirit in me grows my soul to be closer with God.

The Spirit in me takes me to a place where I can unload. A place where I can feel secure in who God desires me to be. If I ever get to a point where it's as if one more feeling will make my soul crumble, or one more thought my brain explode, I go to a place where Jesus sits. I sit with Him and we talk it all out. He reminds me life is short, so I need to do my best. He reminds me that He left the Spirit to help me with these kinds of moments. I have felt His arms wrapped around me and I have heard His voice tell me, "Life down there sucks sometimes, but you're going to do just fine. And when it's all over, you and I can sit and talk for eternity."

True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction. (Psalm 23:3, The Message)