Overload

My brain is overloaded. Have you ever been there? You've processed so much that you think one more firing of a synapse and your brain might possibly just shut down. I'm not talking about information overload so much, although that too can take it's toll. This kind of overload calls in the emotions. You start to question if you really might be taking crazy pills (Zoolander reference). You feel as though your very being is calling into question the existence of itself. There are brief moments where I think I just might wake up and be like Jim Carrey in the movie, The Truman Show, realizing it's all just a hoax. My brain and my soul feel like they are waging a war against each other.

For me this time comes when I get stuck in those gray areas of life. Where morals seem to get blurry and opinions are being thrown around. A place where life becomes a game of "he said, she said." My soul feels torn in these moments. I question God. I don't question His existence or His sovereignty. I question Him on the why's, on the when's, and the how's. I suppose that's a silver lining in it all, I converse with my Heavenly Father. Being a phlegmatic, I sometimes would rather not have the freedom God has given us, I'd rather He just take control so I wouldn't have to worry about the ups and downs of life. (Reality check, I know this plan wouldn't work but it's something I think about.)

These are times when people seem so irrational in their thinking, I don't even know how to respond. These are times when people start arguing over politics. These are times when I am made to feel guilty for something absolutely ridiculous. These are times when someone asks me a question that may possibly be a deal breaker for them in their salvation but in reality should have no bearing on it at all. These are the times when I start to think I'm better than others.

The human in me wants to give up. The human in me wants to yell right back or post a status update on Facebook that will really stick it to them. The human in me stops caring what other people think. The human in me wants people to get what's coming to them. The human in me tells me I've failed. The human in me is selfish and unloving.

The Spirit in me cries for the hurting souls. The Spirit in me keeps going and keeps trying. The Spirit in me seeks to make amends. The Spirit in me helps me look to God for answers. The Spirit in me guides me in daily decisions. The Spirit in me grows my soul to be closer with God.

The Spirit in me takes me to a place where I can unload. A place where I can feel secure in who God desires me to be. If I ever get to a point where it's as if one more feeling will make my soul crumble, or one more thought my brain explode, I go to a place where Jesus sits. I sit with Him and we talk it all out. He reminds me life is short, so I need to do my best. He reminds me that He left the Spirit to help me with these kinds of moments. I have felt His arms wrapped around me and I have heard His voice tell me, "Life down there sucks sometimes, but you're going to do just fine. And when it's all over, you and I can sit and talk for eternity."

True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction. (Psalm 23:3, The Message)

A penny for your thoughtfulness

I've always thought of myself to be caring towards others. In an act of service or gift giving towards another my intentions were always to show that I cared for them. I will admit that there have been times I had selfish intentions. I was hoping they'd see how good of a friend I was or simply wanted to show off for others. While it's embarrassing for me to write about my selfishness it's humbling. I need to realize my short-comings and work on making them better.

Lately, there have been many situations where I've had opportunities to care for people, whether by asking how their day went or by remembering a special event in their lives. Sadly, I have not lived up to my own expectations of being thoughtful. I feel as though not being thoughtful is a sign of not listening to an other's life. Perhaps I'm not taking the time to really hear what's going on in a friends heart.

There are times where I walk away from someone and after returning home I all of sudden think of something I should have done to be thoughtful. For example, saying, "I'll be praying for you" or actually doing it. Instances have happened where I had forgotten about an important event in that persons life, or unimportant for that matter, that I could have asked about. Telling a girlfriend that they were wearing a cute shirt or that their hair looked nice always makes a woman feel good. Just being curious to what's happening in their life, I think, displays thoughtfulness.

I don't know enough about the development of personalities but it seems some people are naturals at being thoughtful, just as some people are naturals at solving logic puzzles. Is it a person's environment they grow up in or is it just a matter of genes that molds and shapes their character? Either way, I feel thoughtfulness is not a strong point for me.

It can be argued that I'm being a little hard on myself, but I see this as an opportunity to be a better friend and sharpen my character. Being a person who likes to put ideas into action I'm going to start being more intentional on a daily basis. Here are some ideas I have and I'd like to hear ways in which you are thoughtful!

Send out 'thinking of you' cards/emails

Plan get-togethers

Focus on one specific event in a friends life and ask them about it next time I see them

Listen

Ask questions about how someone is feeling

Take notice of something and comment on it

Those are my initial thoughts....I need more though so let me have it!!!

I like to be a person of action so I'm going to take this and put it to use. Here are some things I've thought of to be intentionally thoughtful:

Month 11

Another month gone, another tooth in. Hadley had her fourth tooth break through on her 11 month birthday. She's still crawling like crazy, even faster I think now. She's also a little obstinate at times, which makes me wonder what the '2's' will be like. I've also noticed Hadley is a taker when it comes to toys. She could have her favorite toy in her hand but when another baby picks up something different she'll take it away. We're working on sharing, if 11 month olds even comprehend sharing. She's kind of a bully too sometimes and I don't know where she gets it. It must be a first born thing because I don't see that in either Jon or myself but we're both the youngest in our families.

She had her first zoo trip last month and actually seemed interested in the animals. We've also made lots of park trips recently and while it took her a while to get off the blanket on to the grass she took off crawling in the wide open space. I've also realized how hard it is to feed a baby who is not strapped in. We continue to try new foods which seems sort of hard. I really don't want to buy the all the 'baby food' entrees by Gerber because I think it's just a scam to spend more money so I try to feed her what we're eating. The problem with that is she doesn't chew very well so anything that requires chewing becomes a choking nuisance. I also gave her some macaroni on Easter from a macaroni salad and she had little bumps break out on her hands, nothing around her mouth though. We had to break up a little Benadryl pill, then crush it into powder and shove it in her mouth to prevent any possible bad reaction. I also wiped her hands off and put some ice on them to help with the itching. The bumps went away pretty quickly, luckily. So we're not sure what it was. There were eggs in the macaroni salad, but I know she didn't ingest any. If it was eggs I would have expected to see bumps around her mouth or something in her mouth but there wasn't anything, just on her hands. I came to the conclusion that perhaps her skin was dry and irritated from self-feeding and thumb sucking so there was something in the salad that irritated the skin. I hope it wasn't an allergic reaction to anything! Needless to say I'm ready for her 1 year birthday so we can start trying different things.

She's getting a little more interested in walking while we hold her hands. She'll actually bend her knees a little instead of drag her feet. My bet that she'll be walking by her first birthday is starting to look like a bad bet, maybe I was a little too ambitious. We're starting to get ready for her first birthday. While we have invited a lot of people we hope to keep it pretty simple; no present opening at the party, no fancy decorations, food from costco and some bubbles. It should be a fun afternoon!

I feel the need...the need to blog

I've been enjoying blogging the last few weeks. It actually helped me in my writing homework this week. I was able to use paragraphs from 3 separate entries which showed different writing styles. Apparently they were all good because my mentor didn't have much to change on them.

I've been torn about what to write on for my next blog entry so I'll write some randomness.

This week has been incredibly busy which results in me getting sick. I had a meeting with our neighborhood transformation team (it actually was just one member from the team; the others couldn't make it.) It went well but sometimes I feel overwhelmed with the task at hand. After reading through Organic Church I was encouraged and reminded that I need to do outreach/ministry WITH God, not for God. He is so much better at it, I don't know why I try to take over. I was also reminded that we need to be in constant prayer about this neighborhood and the people in it. God is already working and we need to be aware of that.

Jon and I are working on our budget, it's hard. Dave Ramsey likens it to a diet, or a healthy lifestyle. When it comes to food it's so much harder to control than money. Nonetheless, we are doing pretty well with it. We've even talked about changing some of our future plans as far as the house, etc. We'll see how it works out. God has ALWAYS blessed us when it comes to finances, it's never something I've been worried about. Sure, we've had to sacrifice a few things here or there once in a while and now we are making huge sacrifices, but God continues to take care of us and I know he always will.

I finished up the book of Romans this week as part of the Bible Reading Challenge at church. I suppose it's the writing style of the eastern world but sometimes I get lost in Paul's language. I do have to say towards the end of the book there were some truths I walked away with. Here they are in a nutshell:

Romans 12:1 There are different ways to worship besides singing

Romans 12:2 If you renew your mind and thoughts you will be able to test the Lord's will

Romans 12:21 We CAN overcome evil by being good

Romans 13:1 The people in authority are ordained by God, no matter who they are

Romans 14:1 Accept him whose faith is weak, God has already accepted him.

Romans 14:20 Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food….let go of the little things and stop bickering!

I got a few new books this week, both of which I'm very excited about. I bought Martha Stewart's Encyclopedia of Sewing and Fabric Crafts. I now have a gillion projects to get to work on!! I really don't like Martha Stewart that much as a person, she always seems very mean on her show but she's so darn crafty!! I also bought the first book in The Jesus Chronicles: John's Story written by Jerry B. Jenkins and Tim LaHaye. They have four books out based on the four gospels. If this first one is interesting I plan to read all four in the series!

I suppose I will end my ramblings there for now. And while I thought it was all randomness I noticed a common thread between all the paragraphs, books inspire me!

I leave you with a question so please respond!

What do you like to read about on blogs? People's lives? Meditative topics? How-to?

How He Loves Us...

Do this in remembrance of me....

They had him flogged. The soldiers twisted together a crown of thorns and put it on his head. They clothed him in a purple robe and went up to him again and again, saying, "Hail, king of the Jews!" And they struck him in the face.

They shouted, "Crucify! Crucify!"

Carrying his own cross, he went out to the place of the Skull (which in Aramaic is called Golgotha).

Remember me when you come into your kingdom.

"I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise."

"I am thirsty."

A jar of wine vinegar was there, so they soaked a sponge in it, put the sponge on a stalk of the hyssop plant, and lifted it to his lips.

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

He said, "It is finished."

The men said, "Why are you looking for the Living One in a cemetery? He is not here, but alive!"

I turned around to see the voice that was speaking to me. And when I turned I saw ... someone "like a son of man," dressed in a robe reaching down to his feet and with a golden sash around his chest. His head and hair were white like wool, as white as snow, and his eyes were like blazing fire. His feet were like bronze glowing in a furnace, and his voice was like the sound of rushing waters. In his right hand he held seven stars, and out of his mouth came a sharp double-edged sword. His face was like the sun shining in all its brilliance. There, also before me, was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and makes war. On his head are many crowns. He has a name written on him that no one knows but he himself. He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God. The armies of heaven were following him, riding on white horses and dressed in fine linen, white and clean. Out of his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations. "He will rule them with an iron scepter." He treads the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God Almighty. On his robe and on his thigh he has this name written:

KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.

"Don't fear: I am First, I am Last, I'm Alive. I died, but I came to life, and my life is now forever. See these keys in my hand? They open and lock Death's doors, they open and lock Hell's gates. "

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come. He loves us, Oh how He loves us, Oh how He loves us, Oh how He loves.

That's my King! I wonder....do you know him? (click link)

A Revelation

I think I may have answered one of my questions in the past 3 posts: "At what point do we shake the dust from our feet and move on from sharing the gospel?"

I say 'think' because I didn't necessarily find the answer in scripture, is this heresy? I don't think so; I was in the middle of worship at church, not really thinking of the words I was singing but thinking of the situation that I was currently in. I started smiling because I felt God put me in the situation to say, "See, this is how I do things." I was in God's presence. I was focused on who He is and then I realized what He was doing.

Someone came to church this weekend who hasn't come in a really long time. I have prayed for this person for the last 15 years; we've had many conversations which have had good endings and bad endings. I was growing weary of trying. After my previous posts I was beginning to wonder if I should move on and put my efforts somewhere else.

I know God sometimes provides different opportunities for us, either the sower, the reaper...but when it's someone who is a constant in your life it's hard to know which role to play. Anyhow, I was praying for this person to be receptive to anything that was said in the service, after 15 years, you'll take any little piece of teaching that can reach a person. I then had a thought, perhaps a divine intervention in my thinking, I can stop worrying if I'm doing enough or doing the right things, but God will never stop, he's got his own ways, ways that humans can't work. I have shared my heart and my experiences in my spiritual journey with this person and they have not been receptive. I think I am released of this responsibility (although I know it's technically not my responsibility for this person's salvation). I will still pray for them and should an opportunity present itself to have a discussion I will engage. I will even continue to live a life that models Christ as best I can but I do not have to pour myself into this person anymore. I can move on and know that God will continue to work in His own way.

Ok so an onlooker might think my particular job was to plant the seed in this case, again I think it's hard to distinguish when it's someone you are in constant contact with. Opportunities present themselves to water, nurture, and reap so I can't just sit by and do nothing, but now I think I have done all God has asked me to do. While it might be easy for me to sit back and relax I will not. Like I stated earlier I will continue to be engaged in this person's spiritual journey but I will not carry the responsibility of the end result on my shoulders and I will use my energy for others. What's even more awesome? God will continue to work, despite my thwarted efforts, or what feels like my thwarted efforts. God will never give up!

So ultimately what does this mean for other situations or for everyone else? Well my easy answer is that it's different for each individual, but I think, based on Matthew 28:18 that we are all called to be planters, or sowers. We are called to share the gospel with everyone we meet, our relationships with those people will determine if we help nurture them to maturation or just add a little water to the new sapling. Paul had relationships that he constantly nurtured as a mentor, but he also spoke with people and after a very short time left, with no nurturing. It isn't to say that God didn't reach them in another way, but I don't think Paul felt, nor did God hold him, responsible from walking away. I see the same types of situations and relationships with Jesus and the people he encountered. Either way, we are to live a life that separates us from the norm and draws attention to God. We are to be serving in a capacity that uses the gifts God gives, puts us in uncomfortable situations, and shines light on the life of Jesus.

There's a lot to unpack with this and in no way do I feel I would've/will save this person, but God working through me. The worry I've carried on my shoulders about wondering if I've been listening to God's promptings on the right things to say, etc is gone. Perhaps my trust in letting God do the work was not what it should've been but this is where I'm at.

You eat what you reap (part 3)

The fourth soil discussed in Jesus' parable of the sower is the fertile soil that provides nutrients for a fruitful plant. This is an image of the person who hears about Jesus, accepts his teachings as truth and decides to change their lifestyle to follow these teachings. The fruit becoming the evidence that this person has changed their lifestyle, another topic of which I've had on my mind lately, but I digress.

The author of Organic Church says these are the people we should be spending our time on. Having conversations with them, helping them research the questions they have and being a good example to. This brings me back to my blog from yesterday where I ranted about the church existing for itself. Again, I do believe we need teachers to guide us and train us but at some point we all need to move on in order to grow. The teachers need to have new students and the students need to graduate and get out there by themselves. The fellowship of believers (nice church term) is necessary but I'm not sure it's primary in our spiritual growth. Yes, Jesus had his disciples of whom were his confidants, his prayer warriors, his students. But Jesus' mission was to tell people about God to those who did not know it, his disciples already knew it. And they were commissioned to "GO" just as he went.

On a different note, I struggle with the amount of work it takes to "GO". I feel like I've done a lot since my Jr. high years, short-term mission trips, local outreach service, peppered with a year of formal Christian education and an internship at my church. As the years go by I feel I have been worn down. My passion is still there, obviously, but my energy level is less than what it used to be. Working in a local neighborhood these past two years trying to help them become empowered so they are not dependent on relief efforts has been a journey to say the least. We have made many mistakes, had many setbacks, even had some wonderful things happen that were definitely spirit-led. But I am worn down. I've come to the point many times recently where I've wanted to quit. I suppose I could chalk it up to my impatient personality, I want to see some results, and I don't see them, at least not yet. This author shares his journey to working with drug dealers, gang members, and alcoholics. He has great stories and clearly God is blessing his efforts, but man, the amount of TIME and ENERGY it takes.

I realize I'm making lots of excuses, this is one reason this book has challenged me so. I've often felt in our time of working in this neighborhood, we'd be so much more effective if we lived there. A task that is not impossible, although some would see it as kind of a crazy move, but people saw Jesus as crazy right? This man, the author, helps start new house churches all over. He has close friends that help him but he is constantly seeking God. Ahhhh my heart is torn. I want to be actively seeking out God in these situations but it's hard when you've let yourself create excuses, even when those excuses are your family.

I'm at the end of my rambling....for now. I hope my questions stir another soul to seek answers at the feet of God. I challenge anyone (including myself) to get rid of the excuses and GO! If you think you aren't "called" to outreach then reread Matthew 28:17-20. Yes your job can be a place of outreach but while you are there are you actively seeking out opportunities, allowing God to direct your day or are you living your day and giving God a few moments here and there? Although, this makes me wonder about my questions of how much time do we spend trying to tend to those who are resistant? If you've been thinking of getting involved in outreach just find something and try it, you'll eventually find something that better suits your gifts and personality, but you have to start somewhere.

Here are my questions from the original blog and a few more, I can't say I have any answers as of yet but I'll be sure to share if I do and I hope anyone reading would share if they have any insight or other questions for that matter.

-How long do we work with those who are seemingly unreceptive to the gospel before we "shake the dust from our feet" and walk away?
-Isn't that giving up?
-How is this 'loving' as Jesus 'loved' the rich man?
-Are we enabling people when we work so hard to keep them at our church or in our lives trying so hard to convince them of the gospel even when they constantly reject it?
-How do we actively seek God-opportunities and "GO" when we have a responsibility to our family?
- Is it ok to stop for a while, to take a break?